Resting till My Heart is Ready

I am single because I choose to be and because I need to be. Not because I want to be.

I read an article a few days ago that was written by a girl who believed that the most recent “trend” is to be single and independent while in college. She suggested that it was frowned upon to have a steady boyfriend because everyone wanted that to be the time that “you just do you”.

Sorry, but I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.

From my own personal experience, many people my own age are either 1. dating a steady boyfriend 2. engaged 3. getting married very soon or already married or 4. getting pregnant.

It blows my mind. Some of my 20 year old friends are ENGAGED. Some of my friends between the ages of 20-26 are MARRIED. And a few of the kids I went to high school with are or have been PREGNANT. Please. Just no. I can barely handle a puppy. No babies yet.

I do believe that this is the time to, how is it said? “do you”.

From my own eyes and looking at this in an inward perspective:

I am single because I NEED to be, not because I WANT to be.

I would love to be flitting around, going out to parties, going on dates, and yes – definitely making out, with a sweetheart. But the reality of my personal situation is that I am not in any place to be committed to a relationship.

I believe that you are doing yourself and your significant other a disservice if you are in a relationship with someone without first knowing yourself. I am far too young. I need to learn who I am and even more importantly, who I want to be. I need to develop my own interests and passion for LIFE. I need to learn how to make my own choices and decisions with only myself in mind. Ii I can’t even decide what it is I want to do with my life or as a career, then I DEFINITELY am in no place to be committed to another human being. And besides…what’s the current life span? At least 85 years old, right? I’m only 20…I don’t think I can live with the same person for 65 more years if I live that long. There might be murder before I’d make it to 65 years with the same person. I need to discover myself. The only relationship I need to be worrying about at this age and this stage in my life is my relationship with God and my relationship with myself.

You can’t love someone else until you love yourself. I am still learning how to love myself. I am still growing and changing and evolving. I can’t be attached to someone – provide them with the love, support, guidance, care, physical, emotional, mental needs that they will have, until I am able to first and foremost, take care of myself.
So yes, this is that time that I am choosing to take to “do me” because I need it. And ya know what? That’s a-okay. My life will, Lord willing, be a long one and I am in no rush. The thing that I need to devote the most energy to right now, today, in this very moment is feeding my soul with the love of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Before I devote myself to someone else I must know these things:

1. what my identity is in Christ, and Christ alone,
2. what I need, in order to take care of myself
3. how to love myself and accept who I am
4. what my passions are
5. what things in life feed my happiness, my soul, my spirit.

I have a few things kinda-sorta figured out, but I am taking my time in discovering myself because at the end of my life, looking back…I don’t want to have regrets. I want to smile and say, “I lived it. I lived it well. I know who I am and who I was, but most importantly, where I am going.”

So, my point: Do I WANT to be single? No, not exactly. But I’m making the CHOICE to be single because I know that it’s what I NEED and I’m learning to be okay with giving myself what I need in life.

I’ll leave you with this food for thought:

“I don’t really want to become normal, average, standard. I want merely to gain in strength, in the courage to live out my life more fully, enjoy more, experience more. I want to develop even more original and more unconventional traits.”
-Anais Nin

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