Run and Don’t Look Back

“I demolish my bridges behind me…then there is no choice but to move forward.”
-Fridtjof Nansen

I’ve been meaning to write about this topic for quite awhile now, but could never sit down and hash out what I truly wanted to say. To be honest, I’m still not sure if I’m up for it. Your judgment upon finishing it.

The issue with therapy is that I’m learning so much. I’m learning about myself, my thoughts, feelings, emotions, opinions, etc. I’m learning how to kinda-sorta figure out who I am and who I want to be. I’m learning how to use my voice. Yeah, it all SOUNDS great. But it’s not exactly a walk in the park. The problem is that I’m changing. I am a dramatically different person than I was 8 months ago – let’s be honest, I’m dramatically different than the person I was 3 weeks ago. And now, we come upon the true issue: I am changing, but those around me are not changing.

Needless to say, this whole process of evolving my heart, mind, and soul – though extremely healthy and beneficial to me – has created a hurricane effect through my family system. I’m definitely not willing to take all the blame for this storm. It was a storm that was quietly raging and growing out at sea – I have simply brought it to shore.

I’ve taken up residence in a few different coffee shops recently. 1. I just LOVE coffee 2. I have been avoiding my home 3. I enjoy people watching. But mostly #2 and a smidgen of #3.

I am 20. I can not decide if I am pushing everyone away, or just finally growing up. I do not want to be at home all of the time – I need some time (or a lot of time) out of my house. There is too much turmoil there. Even though, what I initially believed to be, the heart of the problem has been removed from our day to day living, there are still many unresolved issues. Issues from the past. It seems like I can never get away from it all. I thought, in 2012 when I moved away to school, “I’m finally leaving all off this behind. I can LIVE now!” But it followed me. The truth is, the past is part of who we are – but it should keep up from changing or becoming who we want to be.

My past is behind me. That’s where I want it to stay. Granted, in order to learn from past mistakes and move forward successfully, you have to spend some time in reflection. I have/am doing that in a safe place with a safe person. But I don’t need to live there – in the past. There are things and experiences from my past that still haunt me, moments that pop up without invitation in my day to day exchanges with people, instances that replay themselves over and over in my nightmares. Sometimes people say or think, “Oh you’ve been through so much and it’s made you so strong!” but they are so, SO very wrong. I prefer to think of it more realistically, “I was strong and I went through a lot, and now it has left me barely hanging on.” I’m not pessimistic at all – I believe I can be strong again…but only if I keep moving forward. You see, I have no intention of ever going back to how things were for me personally before, and I also don’t see myself going back to the same types of relationships I had before. I am slowly changing and morphing into a new soul – someone to be proud of, protect, and nurture. Much like a turtle, I am moving pretty slowly, but I’m moving. And that’s key.

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“The road of life is filled with sunshine and clouds, black and white, triumphs and tragedies. As we continue down the road, we decide which things we bring with us, and which we leave in the rear-view mirror.”
― Julie-Anne

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