“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.”
― Eckhart Tolle
I feel so lost, confused, stressed, overwhelmed, but yet…somewhat at peace. I have struggles, sure. Every day there’s probably about 5,000 of them. BUT, there’s approximately 20,000 more good things than bad. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life anymore. Some days I want to devote my entire self to my music and practice for 6 hours and just isolate myself until I feel like I’ve gotten as close to musical perfection as is humanely possible. Other days I want to be my therapist. Not literally, be her as in, to have her life. And I don’t mean that I want to be my own therapist either. What I mean is that I want to do what she does and help people like she helps them. I’ve had a few therapists in my life (5 to be exact, and 2 of them were absolutely useless) The world has enough useless therapists in it, so if I’m going to be one – I want to be a good one who impacts and changes people’s lives for the better. Seriously, I am so interested in helping teens who have been through trauma or are recovering from eating disorders. What better a person to be able to relate to them then one who’s been through it themselves, or something similar?! Anyways, at the moment I’m attempting to do both, and it’s got be overwhelmed and stressed. Dreams verses reality is what it feels like.
BUT. The point of this post is to say that despite those things, daily stressors, fear of the future, coping with the past, etc. I have been able to find quite a bit of peace and happiness. (Perhaps it’s the prozac? Hey, not complaining!)
Just a few fabulous things from today alone:
- I got a beautiful and heartfelt e-mail from a friend of mine. It made me smile!
I actually liked my outfit (AND I WAS WEARING JEANS?!) that never happens – especially in pants!
- I had a breakthrough with my most challenging students. I was so so proud of him and so relieved and he was so happy and proud of himself too. I made him cookies, it was THAT awesome!!
- I actually had a good appointment with my dietician. Wait…what? :p
- As I was leaving the hospital today a random stranger was walking towards me and she said, “Hey you, you are amazing! Keep shinning.” Keep shinning is the most wonderful thing anyone could say to me because it implies that I’m already shinning and can continue to do so!
- Pumpkin Spice Latte = heaven (the $4.50 bill – not so much) but I treated myself!
A few things from yesterday which I feel compelled to share:
- When I woke up, I went outside and laid on our back deck for awhile. It was chilly and pitch black outside (thanks 4:30am) and I just watched the stars and wondered why constellations never seem to drastically change, even though stars are always dying and shooting across the sky…ever wondered?
- My morning devos were on point!!! “the glass is always half full, never half empty.”
- MY BACH IS MEMORIZED CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH!!
- I had a fabulous and worthwhile chat with my psychology professor – small world and so exciting that he’s in my corner and on my team 🙂
These are just a few beautiful moments/things from the past few days.
I have no idea where the future will lead me. Am I pleased that my violin practicing has only amounted to 2-3 hours a day? No. Not at all. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be at peace. Afterall, I’m doing the best I can. Would my medical team be happy with my caffeine intake? Not likely. But I’m doing what I have to do in order to get the necessities done. It’s an adjustment period and I’m trying to remember that. I’m trying to adjust. Truth is, what’s most important now is learning to love myself. No matter how hard I work, put myself out, wear myself out, etc. it will all be for naught if I don’t love myself and learn about myself, who I am, who I want to be, etc.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
— Gautama Buddha