Identity Theft

“I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.”
― Marilyn Monroe

This quote hits home. When I read it, I immediately connected and related to it. However, there’s a catch (oh how there’s ALWAYS a catch)…I used to not have enough insight to be able to realize that people were fooling themselves about who I was. I thought I was fooling everyone else because I was fooling myself.

What I thought I needed to be/do:
-talented
-put together
-pretty
-thin
-smart
-out going/social
-be able to “do it all”
-take care of people
-be perfect
-be able to roll with the punches
-have patience
-athletic
-not ever need help
-not make any mistakes…ever.

What I actually am:
-someone who drinks too much coffee
-someone who doesn’t sleep enough
-someone who gets tired easily
-an introvert
-someone who gets stressed and anxious about phone calls/going out in public
-someone who hides behind her music
-someone who is afraid of food and people’s judgments and reptiles and the list goes on and on
-someone who never feels good enough
-someone who works really hard in order to get good grades
-someone who is dependent
-someone who cherishes a few really close relationships rather than a bunch of superficial ones
-someone who cares too much
-someone who hates to cry because it always seems so wrong and like I’m seeking attention
-animal lover (that relates strictly to mammals though)
-someone who really wants too/wishes too change the world and the thought that I may possibly make no difference at all is extremely overwhelming and frightening
-someone who hates social media trends (example: ALS ice bucket challenge)
-someone who is wishing far too often to be someone else.
-someone who LOVES playing violin. To the core of my soul, I love it….but who also loves reading, writing, artwork, learning, helping others

The thing is, I want to love who I am. I want to love this damned body that I’m stuck in. I want to embrace my quirks and personality and everything about myself. I wish I could wake up one day and feel confident and able to take on the world…but life scares me. It scares me to the core of my being. The thought of change rattles my bones. And maybe that’s why the idea of shrinking away into nothing is still so appealing day in, and day out. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be bold, to move mountains, to make a difference, etc. But…If I don’t try, I’ll always be wondering “what if…”

Here’s the truth:
-I am not talented and I am not smart – I work hard and that’s why I’ve achieved what I have.
-I am not pretty or athletic, nor do I love the body that’s housing me. There’s a million things about my appearance that I wish I could change, but I’m stuck with what I’ve got so I’ve got to learn to live with it. All it does is serve a purpose. I do not need to LOOK good to serve a purpose.
-I need to BE good to serve a purpose. And I gotta give myself a little credit…I am good. I’m good at being honest, responsible, respectful, kind, and putting others before myself.
-I do NOT have it all together. I am not patient. I can not do it all, nor do I possess the ability to be perfect. I am an overly emotional-cry in secret-impatient-insecure mess. That’s just the way it is.
-I still find myself wishing that I could be someone else throughout my day-to-day life, but that has become less and less frequent and my prayer is that maybe one day, it will just be a fleeting memory.

For now, and we live in the now, this is what I have to offer the world. This is the truth. This is me. I can not be more than I am in this moment because in this moment I am offering my best. I have lived the past 20 years believing that I was supposed to be and was someone I am indeed not. I thought I was fooling everyone else when I was truly just blindsided by my beliefs of what I was SUPPOSED to be. I have changed. I am still changing. I’m done with trying to fool others and I’m done with fooling myself. If others still want to be fooled, that’s up to them and it’s their decision to fool themselves.

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