“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
So a few days ago in my psychology class we were given a hypothetical situation in which we were told to imagine the most significant person in our lives. The examples that were given were: spouse, significant other, child, mom, dad, etc. It was supposed to be someone who made us inexplicably happy and whom we couldn’t imagine life without.
I felt alone. I have no spouse, significant other, child, etc. and my family members to be quite frank, haven’t brought me much joy at all lately. Don’t get me wrong…I love them and I’m thankful for them. But things have been far from smooth sailing at my house throughout the past, ya know…7 years. I get scared quite often because I think of all the relationships in my life that are one-sided. I need my therapist, but she definitely does NOT need me. I need my dietician, she does not need me. I need the adult friends that I have because I rely on them for support and love and guidance, but they do not need me. I need my teachers, professors, etc. but they have no need for me. I have few friends, only a handful of whom I feel would truly be upset if I were gone. Honestly, and maybe this is far off, but I really feel like – IF I were to die, only my parents lives would be altered. Everyone else would keep going about their day to day routine…“oh how sad” and then move on. Now, my plan is to hang around for awhile longer, so no worries there :p
But it made me so sad that I couldn’t think of a single person who I considered significant in my life – MUTUALLY significant. It left me wondering if I’ve done something wrong, if I just need to wait things out, I don’t know exactly. Needless to say, it’s a lonely place to be, and it had and still has me feeling pretty down. I feel so…unnecessary.
BUT. I made a pact with myself that I would not seek out relationships. I decided that I was in no place to show any interest and even once I am in a place where I can “put myself out there” (for lack of a better phrase) I will not be SEARCHING. I truly do feel that God is in control of these things, and although seemingly inconvenient for me, his timing is nothing less than perfect. Now, I believe that – I really do. But it’s not always nice or easy to say/believe. One day I hope that I can get married, have kids, live a life that makes God proud to call me his daughter.
After all, maybe God is still trying to search out a guy for me…I’m a little weird, after all: nerdy classical musician, loves to sing, do formal dancing, an emotional roller coaster 100% of the time, dog obsessed and of course – avid Christian! That’s a tall order to fill…but if it’s his will, it shall be done.
I’m willing to wait. I’m looking for long term true love, and when I find it – I’ll know.
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”
― Robert Fulghum, True Love