Without the Dark, We’d Never See the Stars.

Today is a new day, folks! And how glad I am that it is! I have a plan for my weekend and have (so far) carried it out very successfully….1pm and I’ve already had 2 meals, 1 snack, and practiced violin for 6 hours! It feels great to just be able to practice and not have to worry about stopping for class or having any time restrictions. I’m teaching for 3 hours this afternoon as well…I think it’s probably safe to say that I’ll be heading to bed exhausted! Not to mention, there’s a butt ton of school work to do this weekend since I got a little behind last week.

Last week. Well, technically it’s still this week…but thankfully they feel like separate times. Last week was SUCH a roller coaster. From wanting to die, to trying to die, to laying in tears on the bathroom floor, to canceled appointments, to ex boyfriends – I mean, the whole 9 yards. And of course, knowing me and knowing my vices all of the above means fighting with food as well. Ya know what really stinks? It’s SO easy to take about 20 steps back, but trying to jump 20 steps forward is virtually impossible. ONE. STEP. AT. A. TIME. It’s so frustrating, because I know that I ultimately have to get myself out of this rut, but every inch of me (and there’s a lot of inches) is rebelling. But hey, the good thing is this:

I received some inspiration in the mail earlier this week…

And of course my eating disorder goes, “What if you GAIN weight? It won’t look good at all…in fact you should probably lose some weight just in case you gain closer to the actual recital date!”

Now, life definitely is FAR from perfect. I sent these pictures to a few of my closest friends. I got a few critiques:
“Your spine is scary, get it together.”
“We should work on getting rid of our batwings together.”
“Your arms…omg!”

And I wanted to scream and cry and pull my hair out. All of these comments are EXTREMELY triggering. Actually, the first 2 were the worst. Please, don’t comment on the way my spine looks…it feed my eating disorder. Besides, my head was angled down, so that’s why it appears the way it does. Do I actually have batwings under my arms? Is there really fat dangling there, jiggling back and forth when I play? That is one of my worst nightmares, aside from having a double chin which honestly, is unavoidable at this point. The only time I didn’t have a double chin was when I was 15(+) pounds underweight. So, this is when I realized….no one is ever going to be satified with me. Rather, there will never be a point when everyone is satisfied by who I am, choices I make, what I do, what I wear, how I look, my career path, etc. Instead of trying to please an impossible crowd I should only be pleasing one person.

No. Not myself. But God. Is God happy when I skip meals, or even snacks? Is God happy when I’m too tired to practice because I haven’t been taking care of myself? Is God happy when I allow my mind to turn people’s opinions into idols in my life? Is God happy when I’m so focused on the amount of time I’ll be able to practice, that I’m not enjoying what I’m doing WHILE I practice? Is God happy when he sees me over scheduled, stressed out, unhappy, and depressed?

I think the answer to all of those questions is pretty obvious: No.

That’s why, starting today I’ve decided to do my best to form some better habits. Forming better habits starts by forcing yourself to be aware of things in your life (which honestly, really sucks sometimes) But today I decided to:

1. Pray before my feet ever hit the floor in the mornings.
2. Pray before every meal/snack (not JUST dinner).
3. Pray before practicing.
4. Pray for each student of mine before they arrive for their lesson.
5. make lists
6. make a conscious decision to breathe more often
7. STOP DRINKING SO MUCH CAFFEINE (ohh my team better love me for this one!!)
8. Make time for things that make me happy – like writing, reading, yoga, etc.

Basically, to try to find more balance and more peace in my life. I have such a bad habit of overcommitting myself because for whatever reason, I think I can conquer the world. However, I’ve come to realize lately that conquering the world and changing the world are two very different things. And what I truly want to do with my life is to change the world. By “world” I don’t mean the entire planet earth…no, I do possess the ability to be at least somewhat realistic :p When I say that I want to change the world, I mean I want to change the world of those around me. It pains me to see other people struggling and it pain. I seriously sometimes wish I had the capability to switch my empathy on and off because sometimes I get so caught up in feeling for and what others are feeling that I can not do what I need to do to take care of myself! I digress, I want to impact people around me in positive ways – I want people to see Jesus in me. I want his love and mercy to radiate from my smile, soak through my words, and reside fully in my hugs and kisses. I want to be a light to this dark, dark place. I won’t lie – I have no the slightest idea what the meaning of life is, but I do know that it’s not our choice whether or not we live it…if we’re here we might as well be living a life to be proud of. We might as well be living for and with a higher meaning, something to look to for guidance, something to rely on throughout the triumphs and the trials.

That’s really the only thing that gives me hope. I’m having to mourn the loss of family members who are still very much alive. It doesn’t mean they can’t and don’t love me, but they can’t love me in the ways that I’m seeking to be loved. That’s hard to come face to face with. But God will always love me, he will always forgive me, and he BETTER be a good hugger because when I get to heaven he owes me about a bagillion bear hugs for all the ones I’ve missed out on while growing up.

“What doesn’t kill you makes your stronger” is a phrase that I think we’ve probably all heard. I disagree. I believe that “what doesn’t kill you makes you wiser.” I am not a stronger individual than the one I was this time last year, or this time 5 years ago, but I would really like to think I’m wiser – that I’ve come a long way mentally and that what I’m now able to identify as triggers, feelings, emotions, etc I wasn’t even able to identify before.

No, I will not lose any batwings I may or may not have, I will not be ashamed of the appearance of my spine, and I will NOT let comments about my body hurt me. Well, I might, but not for long because then I will turn right around and do whatever I need to do to honor God with my body. I need to take care of what he’s given to me so I can fulfill his plans for my life. I hope God wants me to change the world, Lord willing I (with God’s guidance) will make it happen. I’m only 20, there’s the rest of my life ahead of me.

Go knock ’em dead butterflies, and don’t ever let anyone get you down with their words. At the end of our lives before we enter heaven, we will be accountable for every word, whisper, thought, action, etc and all our tears will be before us in a jar, collected by God.

Check this out my beautiful butterflies:

“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely. … He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf

“You are not what others think you are. You are what God knows you are.”
― Shannon L. Alder


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