Okay, butterflies…I’m dying right now. (I mean, technically we’re all dying but that seems a little pessimistic) I mean that I’m dying of laughter and joy.
God spoke to me this morning. Not directly. I’ve never been aware of literally hearing his voice. But I’ve seen him at work in my life. Even more recently that my Denver adventure…just last week, he saved my life during my impulsive, stupid, decision.
Last night I was laying in bed, numb and mostly asleep and my phone lit up. Typically, I would ignore it…but it was a text and so as you know, curiosity killed the cat. Anyways, I caved in and read the text which actually happened to me from my therapist. To summarize, her daughter went into labor 2.5 weeks earlier than expected and she is headed out of town for the ENTIRE WEEK NEXT WEEK. My reaction was a roller coaster:
Phase one: oh crap this is NOT good. What am I gonna do? I won’t have ANY doctors appointments with my team next week. All followed my a train of explicatives.
Phase 2: I’M FREE!!! No accountability for an entire week…I can finally take a break from life and stress and feeling things and eating things!!! WEEEEEEE! Happy day!
Phase 3: Reality. Wait, this is a test. No appointments with ANYONE for a 1.5 weeks. I could choose to numb out, not eat, and consequently have the very comfortable and familiar sense of not feeling anything – no emotions, no stress, no anxiety, no sadness, but that also comes with no happiness, no joy. Literally numb. Look at what I have coming up though: a 12 hour day trip, playing in 2 church services, teaching, studying, biology test Monday, public speaking test Monday, more teaching, a playing job next Friday, a trip to Farmville next weekend possibly. I not only WANT to be present for all of that – I NEED to be. I hate feeling like I’m dependent on people – so this is my chance to show my team that I can manage the “real world” on my own. I will be OKAY today. I will be OKAY this weekend. I will be OKAY all of next week. I will be OKAY as I continue this journey. And I will be OKAY as I venture off this summer and off to college, etc.
Really, I’m simply trying to convince myself that I’ll be OKAY. I don’t know that for sure, and I definitely haven’t internalized that belief yet. I know that I’m CAPABLE of being okay, I just don’t know that I have the self control and confidence to manage literally being okay.
This next week will be a roller coaster, I’m sure. But. I have friends, I have a butt ton of stuff to do. I will stay busy. I will not exercise. I will eat. I will conquer.
God’s sense of humor is as follows:
This morning, before reading my devotionals I said a prayer about the next few hours of my day – asking for peace, patience, self love, and forgiveness. I asked to be a sponge – to soak up whatever it is we learn/do in classes today as well as what my devotionals have to offer.
Some Quotes from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:
“Receive my peace. Quietness and trust accomplish more than you can imagine.”
“You are waging war – not only with the weapons of the world, but with heavenly weapons which have divine power to demolish strong holds. Living close to me is a sure defense against evil.”
From Melody Beattie’s “The Language of Letting Go”
“Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process – a journey rather than a destination.”
From my all time favorite – Joyce Meyers
“Good roots = good fruit. Our behavior comes from SOMEWHERE.”
“You can spend your entire life dealing with outward symptoms, but the bad fruit will manifest somewhere else if the root is not eliminated.”
“We need to be ‘deeply planted’ in God. Being replanted and becoming rooted and grounded is a process that requires time and effort, but it’s by faith and patience that we inherit God’s promises.”
Followed up with Colossians 2:7
“Plant your roots in Christ and let him be the foundation for your life. Be strong in your faith, just as you were taught. And be grateful.”
And last, but not least – an anonymous devotional (from an app on my phone haha):
“You are not alone as you fight Satan. You are NOT powerless against the demons outside and inside.”
“Let God’s unconditional love for us be the core of our self esteem.”
These ALL spoke to me in huge ways.
Jesus Calling – telling me to tale time to sit and be still. Take time to breathe and pray and hand all the anxieties and overwhelming thoughts/situations/etc over to God. He will provide.
Melody Beattie – patience. You can not change the world in a day, so take time to be yourself and be patient with yourself. No one is perfect.
Joyce Meyers – Saying that, yeah you may have come from a not so great place, grown up in a not so good environment. That doesn’t mean that you have to be stuck there. Find your identity in GOD and in God Alone. HE is the almighty Savior who we will return home too at the end of our lives.
Lastly, the anonymous phone app – telling me that although this eating disorder seems to be the Satan in my life – I have the power within me, if I stand close to Christ and hold his hand, to beat this thing to the ground. I AM CAPABLE. And just as I was writing about yesterday with unconditional love – it may not be anywhere here on earth for me, but Christ is always with me and he will provide endless unconditional love.
So as far as this weekend goes – there may not be much writing, but I had to share these devotionals and God’s sense of humor with you all! Hope it inspired you and made you laugh…
On a different note, I’m feeling SUPER overwhelmed because:
1. I have to get my chin rest fixed PRONTO because it shattered this morning, so I haven’t been able to practice yet and I have a rehearsal this afternoon. Stress
2. I have an 8 hour drive tomorrow, one of my kids is doing an audition and I’m meeting her to coach her through it at 8:30am then leaving town for about 12 hours.
3. I am playing in 2 church services Sunday and teaching for 2-3 hours.
4. I have my first bio text on Monday – someone help. I also have a huge amount of homework to do this weekend.
So, all that being said – please pray for me to always come back to these devotionals that I read today. That I may find peace and serenity in quiet moments. That I may have the self confidence and capability to do what I need to do to take care of myself – whether it be physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, or spiritually! I hope all you butterflies have a fabulous Friday and a peaceful weekend…never forget: GOD IS LOVE ❤