An Overwhelmed Heart.

There’s a lot that I don’t know. Like….a LOT. And I guess right now, in this very instance, I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed by the enormity of life. The concept that God is continuously looking after every single living, breathing human being – that he is constantly designing and creating new beings and forming fresh lives and new beginnings for so many millions of people all at once…that’s hard to grasp. It also makes me feel very, VERY small. Here I sit, on my bed in a little corner of (I’m not putting where I live on the internet), in a tiny portion of VA which is one of 50 massive states that form the United states, which is primarily located on the entirety of North America, which is one of 7 unbelievably large land masses known as continents…and you’re telling me that I matter? That my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc are all valid and all my tears are collected in a jar by GOD? I am not worthy. But that doesn’t matter because…someone (Jesus) DIED for me?!

I believe this with all of my heart and soul, but the enormity of this astounds me. And sometimes, to be honest, it overwhelms me.

* getting emotional *

I have this sweet puppy laying in bed next to me and she is sound asleep – her beating heart is all because of God. And I’m tears because, “You can have all this world, just give me Jesus.” That’s all I ever want. I just want to live my life, which is not my own, in a way that pleases the LORD. His plans for me are playing out o be far different then what I would have chosen for myself, and ya know what? They are far better than I could have ever dreamed. I have these wonderful opportunities to change the world in small ways – raising food for a food drive, auditioning for schools where I can study what I have a true passion for, teaching kids, connecting with people in my community – none of that would have ever happened if it weren’t for the way God’s plans have played out for my life.

He is ALWAYS enough for me. When I can’t – He always can. That someone DIED for me and for you is just…it leaves me speechless. Endless, unconditional love…I have never experienced anything even close to that from anyone but a God who continuously shows grace and mercy – to those of us who have done nothing to deserve it. That someone could love me and sacrifice for me without me having done a single thing to earn it? That’s remarkable.

And I feel so small because I have big dreams. The future is so foreign and I’ve given up trying to plan it on my own – all I can do is pray for guidance from my Heavenly Father.

So, I guess I’m just rambling on about how amazingly awesome our God is and these are probably all things you already know, but sometimes it just hits me all of the sudden and I get emotional about it all.

When I’m traveling through life day to day, I am still fighting battles. Being out of the thick of things, doesn’t mean that my days are simple or easy – far from it. The devil will always be lurking around the corning, waiting for a moment of weakness to pounce. Some days are really hard – I think that’s probably a universal problem that we can all relate too. And a lot of times, when I’m dealing with hard days I ask “why?” or “what am I supposed to do?” But, as they say…my record for surviving the bad days is still 100% and that’s all because of God. To be honest, I’m lucky to be alive right now and it is all solely because of God’s grace. I find so much comfort in facing each day knowing that my battle has already been won by my Savior in Heaven. I am put up against the world in ways that seem so difficult and hard when I’m in the moment, but in hind sight, I can see all the pure beauty and goodness that I have been blessed with.

I’m speechless. I actually don’t know what to say. I’m crying right now because God is such an amazing God and I wish that I could put into words how Awesome and powerful He is.


 

So, I guess this is my opportunity for a little PSA:

The next 4-5 weeks are going to be absolutely crazy for me – such an adventure! 7 auditions in 6 different states, all in 4 weeks…and wrapped up by a performance with a world renowned pianist (How’d I get that lucky?! God’s goodness!) I’m going to get tired and cranky. I’m probably going to do some complaining (but I’ll try my best not too). I will learn a lot and be pushed to my limits. I will meet tons of new people. I will experience new places, new food, new things, new thoughts/ideas. I will like some of these things, and some I will not like. My prayer is this: that God keep me safe in my travels. That he open my heart to new people, ideas, concepts, etc. That he helps me to take care of myself in whatever way I need – food, rest, taking a day off from practicing maybe? That he guides my heart so that I may open up with those around me and show my true inner self – the person he designed in all His glory and that I may embrace that girl inside and allow her to shine. I pray for quiet confidence, ad voice to advocate for myself with. But my biggest and probably most important prayer is this (2 things actually): 1. That people see Him in whatever I do, say, how I act, etc. That they may see His light shine through me and yearn to know Him more. And 2. that I could play my violin for His glory and His glory alone. For me, that’s what this is really all about.

For someone left speechless, I know I said a lot. But I mean every last word with my entire being. God is a God who never sleeps. God is a God whose love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, and compassion are endless…even when we feel small.

“My purpose in life is to do right and to glorify God.”
Joyce Meyer

Anything under God’s control is never out of control.”
Charles R. Swindoll

“Have God make a message out of your mess.”
Joyce Meyer

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