I can’t adequately express what I am about to attempt to express, just with words. It is an overwhelming emotion that can’t be restricted to ink on a page.
My whole life I wanted to feel loved, accepted, appreciated, etc – all those human emotions that most of us yearn to have in our lives.
I worked my butt off at everything I did and it never seemed like quite enough. Even amongst triumphs, the disappointments always seemed to uproot me. They would come up, sometimes slowly and sometimes completely out of the blue and they would leave me shattered in pieces on the floor. Sometimes it would take weeks, even months to put all the pieces back together.
That’s life, right? A series of triumphs, trials, struggles, and disappointments scattered across God’s time line. It always felt like I would take 2 steps forward and then 3 back. I could get really close to what I thought I needed to be or what I wanted and then something would undo me.
And then I fell apart like I had never fallen apart before. And from that mess that took more than a year to even begin piecing back together (and I’m still finding chips and bruises and mending wounds to this day and for many years to come), I suddenly became something and someone totally different.
I still do everything I did before – I don’t think it’s possible to un-wire perfectionism from someone’s personality. But I love what I do now. And I love how I do it.
Every single day is a gift. God gives us 24 hours and that’s all we’ve got. I have learned to live within 24 hours – to do all I can do within that time.
I don’t think this quite does it justice, but I’ve learned how to LOVE.
There are people that I’ve known for years – people that I had formed opinions of and judgements of and I was so so wrong. God has opened up so many doors for me – even just these past few weeks alone, that I am absolutely speechless.
I have learned how to love others and I have learned to recognize and accept genuine love from others and that is something that I wasn’t capable of doing for the first 19 years of my life. I have learned that people don’t always have double agendas – sometimes they’re just nice, because they truly want to be. People don’t have to expect anything from me in return for showing me love.
I don’t deserve the love and kindness that so many have shown me lately. But I still got it. That’s God, right there. Have accepted the fact that I am truly loved even though I don’t deserve it. I have allowed myself to feel supported, cared for, and loved by others – knowing that I have not earned it and I don’t have to repay anyone for it.
This college process that I’m going through is absolutely brutal. It’s a dog eat dog world. But I am so much more than that. I am more than a 10 minute audition, I am more than a school name. I am more than the notes I play, or the test scores I got. I am capable and worthy of being loved for more than just what I produce, and I am capable and worthy of being loved without payment in return.
I am absolutely in shock and so humbled and blessed by the love that’s been shown to me these past few weeks.
To anyone who called, e-mailed, texted, facebooked, wrote, prayed, etc. Your love has taught me so much and I have learned something from each and every one of you. You are such a blessing in ways that you don’t even know. I am forever grateful for God for using times like these ridiculously, crazy, stressful, and nerve-wracking times to show me all the beauty, grace, hope, and love that surrounds me.
I am right where I need to be. The future is terrifying when it seems to be filled completely with unknowns. God never sleeps. He never “takes a break”. He is always there and His plans are always perfect – I will be right where I need to be when I need to be there.
So here’s to the unknown, the future, the scary, the exciting. Here’s to today, living within this very 24 hours, savoring every little blessing and miracle. And here’s to you – because you’ve taught me so very much in such a short time.
Life was made to be lived – filled with ups and downs. We aren’t immune from pain, but when we feel it – we are never alone. God is so, SO magnificently amazing!! And so are the lives and journeys of all those around me.
I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe in God.
“It is only with true love and compassion that we can begin to mend what is broken in the world. It is these two blessed things that can begin to heal all broken hearts.”
― Steve Maraboli
“Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.”
― Steve Maraboli