Life Is A Lesson To Be Learned

Up until now, I have been extremely hesitant to be at all public about my college information. However, I’m really having a difficult time so I figure what better way to organize my thoughts than to present my own personal learning experience.

After auditioning at 6 schools, I have received formal results from all of them aside from one and let me just say that I am absolutely THRILLED!! From November – January, I worked my butt off. I practiced so long and so hard and, with the assistance of my wonderful teacher, it appears as if my dreams have the potential of coming true. So, where’s the struggle?

The struggle has become present and, to be honest, vicious as of late. Prior to November I was actively working on on essays, applications, etc. and then between November and January I was working so hard to learn repertoire and get things as close to perfect as possible. During January and February I was traveling, interacting with professors, learning, and performing. All of that time, I was actively involved in making the process happen – in working towards my dreams. And now…I’m not.

Now, I sit and wait. I thought the hardest part of the process was done. But there are still so many loose ends – ends that I have absolutely NO way of tying up into nice, neat knots, ordered in the way I want them to be.

As I wait, not at all patient, watching the mailbox every afternoon (I’m probably the oldest person the mailman has ever seen standing out by the mailbox each day waiting for him) I find myself getting more and more frustrated. Money offers have slowly started to roll in, via phone calls, etc. But not enough to give me any clarity or sense of peace.

Patience is a virtue, that much is true. Yesterday I was on my own for an 8 hour car trip and it gave me way too much time to think and get myself in a huge spin of stress and creating disastrous scenarios in my mind. So, here comes the learning process.

I was driving home and I was getting worn out (thinking too much can do that to you haha) and then the song “Hold Me Jesus” came on the radio. I turned up the volume and payed particular attention to the lyrics and by the end of the song I was completely in tears.

And I realized what the root of all these feelings is: Fear. I’m gonna say it straight up and put it out there – I’m scared of what the outcome will be. I know I could not have worked ANY harder than I did. But, I’m still not confident in myself, in my ability, in my work. I’m afraid that it will end up the same way it did during my senior year of high school, I’m afraid I won’t be happy, I’m afraid all of hard work will have been for nothing. But as I listened to this song playing on the radio, it hit me that I’m carrying way too much of this burden on my own.

One of my absolute favorite verses from the bible is Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” I am small, I am weak, I am imperfect, I am HUMAN, and I can’t do this on my own. I need to surrender this process to God and let him work his perfect plan in my life – only then, can I find peace in my day to day life. It sounds easy when it’s typed out simply before me, but it is SUCH a difficult thing to do, especially for someone as independent as myself.

Prayers would be much appreciate as I go through the process of learning patience and practice handing ALL areas of my life over to the Lord. Also, I’ve heard from 2 schools about scholarships and the generosity of these teachers and committees astounds me and is SUCH a huge blessing – so thanks be to God for all His blessings thus far. At the end of the day, I know that whatever works out will be for my best interest. I know one thing is for sure – wherever I end up at school, I will work very hard to be a light for God and to be a blessing to all those around me!

Sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all.
When the mountain looks so big and my faith just seems so small.

So hold me Jesus,
‘Cause I’m shakin’ like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace?

When I wake up in the night I feel the dark.
It’s so hot inside my soul.
I swear, there must be blisters on my heart.

So hold me Jesus,
‘Cause I’m shakin’ like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace?

Surrender don’t come natural to me.
I’d rather fight You for something I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need…
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls,
I’m falling down, falling on my knees…
God, please.
And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn,
And Your grace rings out so deep.
It makes my resistance seem so thin.

So hold me Jesus,
‘Cause I’m shakin’ like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory.
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace?

Keep your best wishes, close to your heart and watch what happens”
Tony DeLiso, Legacy: The Power Within

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