How do you destroy something that almost killed you when it doesn’t have a physical form in which to reside? How do you take out anger towards something that can only be felt, not seen or heard? How do you show up in your own life and your own journey when it’s so much easier to be absent?
You find friends. Good friends. You make the decision every day to get out of bed…no matter how long it may take or how difficult it may be. You make lists and cross things off. You don’t dwell in your negative, horrible thoughts in feelings – no matter how strong they may be. And if you’re like me…you eat. Every day, six times a day…regardless of hunger (or lack there of), regardless of how you feel inside your own skin. You eat. Because there are all those silly, cheesy sayings: Food is fuel, nourish to flourish, etc but they are all so very true.
Destroy anything that doesn’t serve you or help you to grow. Rid your life of toxic people, behaviors, and things. And don’t be afraid to hit things.
I can not put into words the way it truly felt to destroy this scale – something that was so symbolic of what tried to kill me. I was taking my anger and frustrations out on an object that represented something that has no physical form.
One of the hardest things about mental illness is that no one chooses to get sick or to feel horrible, but each individual has to make the choice every single day to work towards recovery. That’s really hard. It’s hard to want to feel better when it’s so much easier being sick. It’s hard to feel motivation to do exhausting work when you’re not even sure you want to exist anymore. It’s hard to do all these things, but it’s especially tough because no one can do any of this for you.
It’s been over a year since I was discharged from treatment and I still fight every single day. It’s never easy and some days, I’ll be honest…it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it. But then there are those (rare) days where I witness miracles or feel and see God’s handiwork and I am reminded of why I fight. I try my best to hang on to those days. They are beautiful.
This is my truth. This is my life and although I never wanted any of this…I was dealt this deck of cards for a reason and I have faith and hope in an everlasting, all powerful, mighty Savior who has carried me this far and will NEVER, EVER let me go!!
“You have to know what you stand for, not just what you stand against.”
“There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore.”
“I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson