Where do I begin?! I feel like I probably start a lot of posts with that phrase. I hate that I use it so often, but it’s just so applicable – life is crazy busy, crazy hard, and crazy good so much of the time that it can be overwhelming to know exactly where to start when trying to write it all down somehow.
I’ll start with the here and now. I am currently sitting on my bed in my dorm room here in Burlington, VT. It is the last day of camp and this evening my parents will be arriving and tomorrow we will start the journey home. I have so many feelings right here, right now. I am elated that I have “come out on the other side” of this camp experience, so to speak, in an even healthier place/mindset than when I entered it. I am so grateful for everything that I learned and how I was able to grow. I will miss the beauty of the nature around me and of course, all the wonderful people I met. But there is also a part of me that is so ready to jump forward – to take on the next step. I am ready to conquer August and to spend time with my friends at home. I am especially ready to prepare for school in September and for making the move to Michigan!
I have loved every day here, but I am ready to love the days ahead of me as well – I see this as a blessing.
However, in reflection (which I truly believe is so, so important) I want to acknowledge how monumental this summer and this camp, in particular, have been to me. I will be going home with a smile on my face because I see this past month as a huge victory! I came here, unsure of what would happen with food, recovery, managing depression and anxiety – and here I am, sitting here in one piece, stable weight, with a smile on my face. I am utterly exhausted…so much so, that I could probably sleep for 3 days straight! But, the fact that I am happy and exhausted – that’s a HUGE success.
This summer I learned so much more than just music. I grew as a musician, sure…but at the end of the day, at the end of this life – that’s not what truly matters. I made strides as an individual this summer. It feels weird to say that, but I’ve learned that it’s alright to acknowledge our individual success, so I’m giving it a go! Haha. The past month has helped me realize that I need to be more confident…in every single aspect of my life. I am capable of making good decisions…
~I can go out and drink with friends but not get drunk (and still have fun?! GASP!)
~I know my limits (and can use my voice to state them).
~I can manage my time efficiently and make good decisions about when I need a break or whatever.
~I can make healthy decisions about food and what I choose to nourish myself with.
~I am capable of asking for help and facing challenges.
~I am capable of dealing with difficult and/or annoying people and still acting with grace and kindness.
~I am capable of keeping a strict and busy schedule.
~I am capable of making music that brings joy to myself and all those around me, and more importantly…music that brings glory to God.
~I am capable of standing alone, and still standing strong. (whether it be with faith, politics, animal rights, drugs, or any topic we discuss or anything we partake in)
~I am capable of being fine. I am capable of living successfully (even if every day isn’t a successful one.)
Not only am I capable of these things, but I WANT these things and proving to myself that I can manage my own life, even throughout struggles and ups and downs might possible have been the absolute best thing for me to be a part of and witness as I prepare to head off to school in the fall. Although I’m already anxious and stressed about what’s to come, I know at the end of the day that I am going to be just fine.
There will be struggles, sure. There were struggles here – not every day was wonderful, although the majority of them were pretty darn good! Things caught me off guard that I didn’t anticipate tripping me up…and some things I thought would cause me grief, weren’t actually as bad as I thought they would be.
I love this life – this messy, far from perfect, silly, crazy life that I live. I love it. And I never thought that was possible a few years ago. I am so grateful to be alive and to be living and experiencing life again, this time to the absolute fullest!
Finally starting to feel at home in the body in which I reside. It’s a long process, and I definitely still have days – weeks even – where I can’t imagine living the rest of my life in this skin. But I am learning, I am growing, and I am loving as much as I possibly can!