I know I am way overdue for an update – life has been a tad bit crazy these past few days and it’s been wearing me out! I have crashed into bed at the end of each day, utterly exhausted – and while sleep has been a friend of mine lately, I’d be lying if I said getting up in the mornings was easy. I’ve always been a morning person, but as of late, I’ve found myself hitting snooze more and more often. I’m not entirely sure why that is – if it’s just the stress of a huge move, or if it has to do with the thyroid issues I’ve been having – or most likely, a combination of both those things. Regardless, it’s left me feeling a little bit guilty and being a bit too hard on myself. My body is tired. And just like you feed a hungry child healthy foods so they grow strong, when your body needs sleep there is no other remedy aside from sleep itself.
I have come to realize that many people may not understand why I live my life the way I do, or how it has happened that I’ve been blessed to live the past few years as I have lived them…and that’s okay.
The past 3 years don’t matter anymore. I’m finally starting my education and I couldn’t be more happy or more proud of everything I’ve done to make it to this place.
One thing that I’ve caught myself saying far too often these past few days is, “It’s kind of a funny story.” When the reality is that – it’s not funny at all. My education has happened in kind of a strange order – it’s not often that you come across a 21 year old freshman. I know this. And I know that people will ask questions. I’m okay with questions – they show true interest and an attempt to understand/know better. It’s my own answer that has got me stuck in a rut and feeling not so great.
“It’s kind of a funny story.”
“It’s a long story.”
“It’s really complicated.”
No. It’s serious. It’s short. It’s easy. And I owe no one an explanation for the past 3 years of my life. I was really, REALLY sick and I have over come so many things that a lot of people my age don’t even know exist…I’m proud of that – but when I down play it with phrases like those above – it causes me to feel ashamed of where I’m at and, more importantly, where I’ve BEEN.
And that brings me to another point that’s been on my mind lately. I always thought – in the early stages of my recovery – that I was trying to get back to who I USED to be…before the calorie counting, before the cutting, before the obsessive exercising and restricting, etc. But, over time, I’ve come to realize that I’ve pretty much been “sick” forever. Looking back on my life, with the knowledge I have now, I realize that there isn’t a single time I want to go back too and relive. I’m not saying my whole life was miserable – I have lots of great memories with some pretty stinking fabulous people. But beneath all the smiles and laughter, I was never truly 100%. I’m shooting for 100%. And what I’ve come to learn more recently as I battle and fight my way farther and farther from anorexia’s grip on my life, is that I am becoming someone completely different than I’ve ever been before.
I’ve always played it safe growing up. Being sick was really safe (mentally/emotionally – definitely NOT physically). But as I make the conscious decision each and every day that I don’t want to play it safe anymore, I find that there is no going back. I can not and will not ever be who I was before I got deathly ill – and as I come to grips with that, I’m finding it to be terrifying and liberating all at the same time.
I am not who I was 3 years ago. I am not who I was 10 years ago. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be who GOD created me to be. I don’t owe anyone a justification of why I am where I am in school or life, and what I have to tell myself is that no one here is really asking or looking for that – my mind has convinced me that I OWE that to people. I don’t owe anyone anything. I owe God EVERYTHING.
As I walked out of a less than desirable audition today, I was oddly at peace. I am here because of God. I am pursuing music to bring God glory. I’m not living this life for myself or for anyone around me. All I have to do is wake up each day, decide to put my best foot forward (which includes eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated – basically taking care of my human needs) and God will take care of the rest. Was I bummed about the audition? Yeah I was a little bummed because I know I can play the excerpts better than I did. Was I crushed? No….because my identity doesn’t lie in a seat on a stage – it lies in the arms of Jesus Christ!
This update has been all over the place and to top it off – here are some pictures of my sweet little 415 square ft. apartment. I created this safe haven to escape too at the end of each day and I couldn’t be any happier with it 🙂
Have a blessed day friends!