If We’re Honest

Today I chatted with a close friend on the phone for about half an hour…it was so nice to just get some things off my chest – things that have been weighing me down the past few days. It felt good to safely share that with someone I trust who genuinely has my best interest at heart.
I’ve been thinking about some of the things she said since we had our conversation. I was walking home and my music was on shuffle – it was playing through an album I hadn’t heard before. I was only half paying attention because of all the thoughts that were swimming through my head when a particular song caught my attention. I don’t know what it was exactly about this song that made it stand out from the others – the music went from background noise to center stage as I listened to the lyrics. THIS is just another God thing…

“If We’re Honest” By Francesca Battistelli
Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I’m a mess and so are you
We’ve built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do
Bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine
‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy’s waiting on the other side
If we’re honest
If we’re honest
Don’t pretend to be something that you’re not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross
It would change our lives
It would set us free
It’s what we need to be
Bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine
‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy’s waiting on the other side
If we’re honest.

These lyrics and moving melody, in combination with the words spoken by my friend, honestly just put my heart at peace. So much has been going on – friends in far places going through tough times, friends here right around me going through tough times, arguments with dietitians, new team members, relationships, school work, papers, tests, deadlines, and I could go on and on and on…
Sometimes it’s easy to let ourselves get distracted by the world around us – particularly the people around us. I’m an EXTREMELY sensitive person and sometimes it puts me in a really unhealthy place. I’m guilty of putting others before myself more often than not and although sometimes that’s a very noble gesture, it can get to the point where I’m sacrificing what I want and even more importantly what I NEED, for the happiness (or what I perceive to be the happiness) of other people.
I’m famous for tiptoeing around people for fear of hurting them, upsetting them, or receiving backlash from them. It’s gotten me into some seriously unhealthy places before – in my physical/emotional life but also in relationships in general. This sweet friend of mine reminded me that sometimes it’s okay to put myself first. And in order to put ourselves first, sometimes we might have to be pretty blunt – even to a point that makes us uncomfortable. Sometimes it takes a little bit of discomfort in order to make our feelings known…in the end we’ll be more comfortable because we spoke up for ourselves and our needs, rather than staying in a bad/unhealthy situation.
And this song? This song is beautiful. Everyone is a little broken. It’s easy to forget that the only way we’re ever alone is when we choose to shut others out – I’ve come to learn that there are people surrounding me every day who I never would have guessed have struggled with similar things as myself. I would have remained alone and isolated had I not been willing to take the risk of sharing. (Thankfully the specific individuals I have in mind here made it a lot easier for me by sharing with me first – but sometimes that’s not the case and we have to take a deep breath and “put ourselves out there”.)
The truth is hard. It’s been exceedingly difficult for me to be honest with people when they ask me why I’m 21 and a freshman and so many other things as well. It would be so much easier to make up some other, more widely “accepted” health issue to have had during the past many years, or to make up something completely different altogether. But that’s not me. I can’t pretend to be something that I’m not anymore. Honestly, that’s just a small part of what got me into this entire mess of the past half of my life in the first place. No one should have to pretend. Ever.
Everyone is broken and an important part of understanding that is also accepting that everyone takes their own time to heal. And if I’m being honest…I need a little bit more time. There are specific things in my life that I want – I really, REALLY want them. But part of growing up is knowing that what you WANT isn’t always what you NEED at a certain time. Right now, the thing I need the most is to be true to myself and to continue pursing a relationship with Christ and discovering all He has planned for me.

To be honest, vulnerable, genuinely real…that’s probably the hardest thing, but also the most freeing. This is my truth. This is a step towards becoming.

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