There are SO many wonderful things, people, and places in this life. I know that all good things take time…but I carry the title, “Queen of impatience.” I’m impatient over practically everything – cooking food, waiting in line, waiting for mail, traveling, progress in school and music, and the list goes on and on. Sometimes I find myself being stuck in the future because I’m so impatient with what’s going on in the here and now. And maybe that’s the case right this moment too.
Over the past week I’ve experienced such an array of emotions. I went from being totally “gun-ho let’s kick this depression, anxiety, and eating disorder’s ass” to being swallowed by it and drowning in flashbacks, nightmares, and being consumed by frantic phone calls and sleepless nights. I freaked the heck out and everything felt like it was spiraling.
Things are world’s better now than throughout this past week. I had been obliterated by an 18 wheeler…a massive truck called, “meeting a new therapist and talking about all your past and all your dirt again”. There were a few things that saved me…the first and most important one being my lovely parents level headed, supportive response to my less than joyful phone calls and all of my tears. I’m not generally a “cry-er” so they knew that something was up when they got not one, not two, but three tearful phone calls within the span of 6 days. Another thing that seriously meant the world to me and helped put a smile back on my face throughout the roller coaster of emotions was my best friend…I love that she is always there for me – even from 12 hours away. It makes me feel so supported to see how angry she gets when other people hurt me or when I’m upset…and obviously that feeling is mutual because PSA: IF YOU HURT MY BEST FRIEND I WILL HURT YOU, SO WATCH OUT!!! I HAVE A VIOLIN BOW AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT. (Actually I am…they’re very delicate – but I love her so much, I’d risk breaking the point of my bow!). Another thing that was helpful (and scary) was reaching out to a friend here and telling her about what was going on. Just having someone here, even if it was only 1 person, was helpful because I knew she’d be praying for me.
But what made the biggest impact and was most helpful in restoring a little bit of sanity – was being taken back to my safe place, even if only figuratively. You see, in VA I have a safe place and quite a few safe people. What I mean by “safe place” is that there’s a place I can go where I feel like I am safe from everything that can hurt me (both mentally and physically). It’s a place where I can be real, authentic, unapologetically honest, open, and…safe. I’m blessed to have a lot of “safe” people too…people with whom I can be all of those things as well.
Anyways, there’s this one person from home with whom I can be all of those things and I never feel judgment. I feel safe in their presence because I know they have my best interest at heart and are on my side, looking out for ME – no alternative motives, no monkey business, not expecting anything in return, etc. Talking with this individual was validating, calming, insightful, and….sad? One of those things is not like the other.
Sad. Sad because I miss my safe place back home. I miss my safe people (especially the above mentioned person). And even though I know I am supported from afar – it’s still not quite the same as sitting face to face.
Nothing that happens here in Michigan will change my safe places and people back home. But I’m on the lookout for a safe place here, as well. Am I just being impatient? I’ve been here almost 7 weeks and nothing has turned up yet…but these things take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day – and to build a TRUE safe place might take even longer than the construction of the roman coliseum. That terrifies me. I am desperate for a safe place, I feel as though I need it RIGHT NOW.
That’s when I have to take a step back, take a deep breath, and remind myself of a few crucial things:
First and foremost – GOD IS MY SAFE PLACE. He is everywhere, He knows everything – He formed my inward parts, He knows my days before I live them out, He counts my tears and stores them in a bottle, He knows my thoughts, and the list goes on and on.
Secondly, God will not give me more than I can handle. He has given me everything I need for each day. I can handle these emotions, and thoughts/feelings.
Third, God gave me this life because I’m strong enough to live it…and those are words I never thought I’d say: I’m strong. But I am. And knowing that my strength comes from the Lord has brought me the most unshakable peace and joy that’s possible.
Some days are still absolutely horrible – and that’s something that I don’t anticipate ever changing…everyone has bad days, it’s unavoidable. But one thing I’ve learned is that those storms don’t last forever. The past 3 days have been a complete 180* change from the 6 that came before them. I am still seeking out a safe place – but it occurred to me that maybe I’m looking in all the wrong places. Maybe I should quit looking and just let God do all the work. I’ve got school, classes, practicing, performances, friends, social obligations, etc…I don’t have time or energy to devote to seeking out a source that I know God will ultimately provide for me in due time.
God is growing me. God is teaching me patience, perseverance, endurance, and helping to grow my trust in Him. I am grateful and thankful for these lessons. And I am so blessed by this life I live – tears, breakdowns, joy, laughter, breakTHROUGHS, and all.
I’ve got my eyes open for a safe place, but what I’m really looking for and focusing on is my God and all His blessings.
“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”
― Maya Angelou
“We are not called to be safe, we are simply promised that when we are in danger, God is right there with us. And there is no better place to be than in His hands.”
― Katie J. Davis
On a different note, here are some pics from Fall break and this beautiful life I live: