I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If “real” scares you, then exit out of this page immediately.
I have yet to cross paths with an individual who doesn’t full-heartedly agree that the best (and truly, the only) way to eat nutella is with a spoon. Skip the measly, spread-it-on-thick routine and how about lets just scoop it out in big chunks! I’m sure, that somewhere in the world, resides a human being who despises nutella. When I meet them, I will let you know. The point is that: I am not a jar of nutella. Although, sometimes I feel as though I look like one (and no, I’m not referencing the scrumptious, mouth watering-ness of it all…more like the brown, lumpy, rotund part of it’s appearance).
I digress. I am not a jar of nutella. I can not be liked by every single person. Nor will what I write be accepted or tolerated by every person. What I wear won’t always be complimented, how I do my make up won’t always be approved of. The tattoo on my wrist will be loved by some and deemed stupid by others. The food I eat will be scrutinized, the school work I turn in will be scanned with a microscope – someone searching out imperfections. My laugh will be too loud for someone, my emotions will be too big, my heart will be too small.
But I have to decide how I want to live. I’m the only one who gets to make that call. Over the past couple of weeks I have experienced some very strong, overwhelming emotions – both the highs and the lows. Among the lows have been anger, disgust, frustration, defeat, and so on. The highs are must easier to name: joy, happiness, freedom, peace, laughter, wholeness, etc.
Things are about to get painfully real. Some of my anger and frustration has been directed at God. I feel so ashamed to even type that out, but that’s the honest truth. When working through the books of Daniel, where people who only ate vegetables grew stronger than all those who ate meat and bread as well, I find myself feeling sick to my stomach. When discussing the concept of fasting, I find myself unable to cope with the idea that I can not participate in these occasions which, people tell me, make them “cleaner” and “more holy”. I am so tired of the small minded talk and assumptions about what Jesus might have meant, or how we should perceive certain aspects of the bible. And I’m angry that exactly when people say the bible is telling us we should be doing to honor God – I am absolutely incapable of EVER doing.
Because, all that fasting ever did for me was land me in the hospital with a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa and after 3 months of intensive treatment, followed by a year and a half of outpatient treatment from home, and now the continuation of outpatient treatment here at school…some days I feel SO angry that I am not “healed” yet. Don’t be mislead – I am far closer to healthy than I’ve been at any point in the past 5 or 6 years of my life – both mentally and physically, but especially spiritually. But I still get so angry about not only the pain I felt, but all the pain which I also caused.
And to seek out refuge in the bible and still find that I fall short, that I am still horribly inadequate and unworthy, makes things that much harder to swallow. Yes, pun most definitely intended.
And I feel compelled to share this because not every day is rainbows and butterflies. A lot are, and to be honest…the rainbows are becoming more vivid and the butterflies, more frequent in passing…but there are still struggles, still tears, still pain, still progress to be made. The last place that I need to feel like I fall short is the one place where I find refuge. Maybe I’ve got this all wrong, if so…please speak up. I want to believe that I’m misunderstanding, that somehow things have been misinterpreted or taken too literally. I want to believe that I am capable of doing everything the bible calls us, as Christians, to do and partake in. I don’t know where I stand as far as these very specific instances go. I only know where I want to land – in the arms of my Savior.
I want to give up this anger – I want to give up the anger I feel towards these specific conversations, the anger I feel towards myself, especially the anger I direct towards God. I don’t know how to do it, but know that I won’t ever stop trying.
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
― Joe Klaas
“We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.”
― Cecelia Ahern