I haven’t written anything in quite awhile – not since I left school a couple of weeks ago. The truth is that I’ve found myself feeling pretty uninspired, stressed out, and drawn in different directions. I didn’t want to write anything because I was having trouble figuring out the different thoughts and feelings running around in my brain.
One of my biggest fears about coming home was that I didn’t think there was enough space for me here. Not here within these 4 walls of my home, but in this city. I didn’t feel as though people wanted to accept me for who I am, who I’ve become and I didn’t trust that they’d be able too. I didn’t feel like I could fit in the space I had left behind and to be honest – I didn’t really want too. That was a space I never should have fit in – my personality is too big, my heart too tender, my mind too free, and my spirit too eccentric for such a small portion of life. Trying to squeeze myself into that mold is what got me into problems in the first place.
I knew I couldn’t fit when I returned. I knew I didn’t want too. People tried to convince me that it would be okay – they told me that the size would adjust to me if I would only allow myself to be who I truly am. I tried that when I first returned. I’m still trying – and I won’t lie, it’s been really tough to maintain my “spunk”, as it’s been referred too by others.
I’ve been feeling pretty down in the dumps the past few days – I thought it was a case of the Christmas blues. Christmas can be a really tough time of year and it has been in previous years. But I’ve come to realize that maybe at least a part of my sadness is due to the realization that there won’t ever be enough space for me here. No matter how hard I try – I’m not willing to alter myself to fit this space anymore, and I have come to realize that it can only grow so big to fit me, and it’s just not going to grow anymore. But more importantly than realizing that I don’t fit comfortably here is realizing that…it’s okay.
I wasn’t meant to fit into this small, isolated, condensed, space. Being back on the “Lynchburg music scene” and being immersed back into the daily drama of “who has married who” “who is pregnant” “who works where” etc has made me realize that, this isn’t what I want.
I don’t want to set down roots here…in fact, I would like nothing less than to move far away and not return. Don’t get me wrong – there are many people here whom I love. But I also know that the friendships that are going to last, will last no matter how many miles are between us. I think I have to mourn the fact that, there is not enough space for me to thrive and be who I truly want to be and who God created me to be, here in this tiny town. Lynchburg is perfect for young families, or elderly couples, people with kids, etc. But this isn’t where I am meant to me.
There is nothing left here for me, except for a handful of people whom I love and admire – but those people will support me no matter the miles. I think maybe it’s time to mourn the loss of a place I once called home and look forward in anticipation to where the Lord will lead me. I have some amazing memories here in Lynchburg, but I also have many extremely painful ones. Previously, I had always hoped I would grow strong enough to be able to continue to face those tough memories and to be honest, people, day after day, but after spending some time away and realizing that there is a place where I can consume as much space as I want and need too in order to truly be myself…and that others not only accept that, but encourage it and love it and welcome it, has made me realize that it’s okay to not want to be able to deal with heartbreak time and time again.
It’s okay to grow up and to grow out of certain places, people, and things. It’s okay to move on. It’s okay to walk away and not loo back. Maybe conquering my past and learning to let it go doesn’t mean that I can continue to walk right back into the fire time and time again…and maybe, just maybe, that’s okay.
“If you live in a past dream, you don’t enjoy what is happening right now because you will always wish it to be different than it is. There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive. Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive. This leads to self pity, suffering and tears.”
― Miguel Ruiz
“It hurts to let go. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t come back.”
― Henry Rollins
Of course, I have to include some highlights from break so far:
1. First and foremost has to be spending time with my (not biological but) God given sister! We went to see the movie “Sisters” and it was a pretty accurate representation of the trouble we get ourselves into (maybe a bit more extreme – neither of us have fallen through a ceiling yet haha)
2. Of course, playing at church on Christmas Eve and spending time with my parents.
3. Another HUGE highlight is this: On Christmas eve I went to a homeless shelter in my city that was serving lunch and I played Christmas Carols there for a few hours. I got to teach these tiny souls the words to “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” and it was humbling, sad, and joyful all at the same time.
4. And of course, no blog post would be complete without some rescue-dog spam. Loving on this sweet child of mine has made my break complete!
“Dogs, for a reason that can only be described as divine, have the ability to forgive, let go of the past, and live each day joyously. It’s something the rest of us strive for.”
― Jennifer Skiff