One thing I’ve noticed: God is never far, even when it feels like He is unreachable. In fact, God is always surrounding us, encompassing us – if only we open our eyes and our heart to see and hear His still, sometimes small voice.
This morning, after a very important and thought provoking appointment, I had to spend some time doing one of my least favorite things: recording myself performing violin. I LOVE performing. But I HATE recording auditions tapes. My dad, God bless him, had moved the furniture out of our front hall (for better sound acoustics) and had the camera set up and waiting when I returned. I ran through all the material 2 times and gave up for the day – yet again coming to the conclusion that I can’t nail every note, every rhythm, every measure, every piece, every single time.
Finding myself feeling frustrated and worn out I went upstairs to lay down for a bit before heading out for a lunch date. I was laying in my disaster area of a bedroom – I never really unpacked my suitcase when I got home and the pile of things I plan to take back to school with me was slowly growing and taking over my floor. Have you ever felt something tug on your heart? My mind was grumbling about how I was having trouble finding a good book to sink myself into and use to escape from the world for a bit. I was struggling to put my mind to rest so I got up and grabbed a random book off my book shelf.
That’s when I had an “ah-ha” moment. That’s when I felt God speaking directly to my heart and my mind. You see, at the previously mentioned appointment there had been discussions about expectations, family dynamics, the ins and outs of personalities, etc. and I was feeling a bit defeated about certain relationships in my life. And honestly, a bit disappointed in myself for, yet again, relying on others and allowing them to impact my emotions and stability.
The constant anxiety of “what if I had..” “what if I do…” “I should have…” “I should…” etc was beginning to wear on me. So, as I opened up this book that I had never read before, it was so fitting for the very first page to read:
“Blessed are those who trust in the Lord…They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit.” -Jeremiah 12:7-8 (NLT)
I reread it a few times in order to fully absorb it. But there it was, plain as daylight. That verse in combination with earlier discussions made it clear to me what has been missing these past couple of weeks: Trust.
Trust that it will all be okay. Trust that I will be okay. Trust that things are what they are. Trust that I can and will survive. And on and on and on…
I have been feeling pretty defeated because in Michigan, I had deep roots – I knew who I was and I was accepted for who I was. No one tried to change me or alter me and no one made me feel as though I wasn’t good enough. I was rooted in Christ and rooted in my identity in Him. My INTENTION in coming home into a less than desirable environment was to hang on to that identity and be who I truly am. And I did…for like, the first 2 or 3 days I was home. Then the heat and the drought of the reality of personalities, drama, dynamics, etc around me started to wear on me. I lost focus.
Everything is a learning experience; such is life. And what a sweet reminder these past few weeks have been that without God, life makes no sense at all. Without trust in something and someone larger than ourselves, we would be completely lost. Without God, we have no sense of true purpose – without God, our purpose can only be rooted in disposable, worldly things.
My identity and purpose is through a relationship with Jesus Christ. God formed me with a purpose in mind, even before I was conceived. The purpose of my life fits into a much larger plan. Even though there are moments, maybe weeks, where I feel lost and in the dark – light can always be found, even in the smallest, most random little places, like a good book or a friendly reminder that: “You are so much more than what surrounds you right now.”
All good things must come to an end? Yes. But so must all hard, miserable, tough, and painful things too.
So what on earth am I here for? I don’t quite know yet. Whatever it is, I know it will be great, but I also know – it will require TRUST. I’m determined to be that deeply rooted tree and to yield delicious fruit with my one sweet life. And I am forever grateful for a Lord who is quick to forgive, slow to anger, and unceasing in His eternal love for such a weak-hearted human soul such as me. Thank you God, for sweet reminders of your glory in little books, the blue sky, a child’s smile, a puppy’s kiss – and so many other small, beautiful things that we neglect to take note of each and every day.
“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
“Trusting God completely means having faith that He knows what is best for your life. You expect Him to keep His promises, help you with problems, and do the impossible when necessary.”
― Rick Warren