Ready for a winter break re-cap?!
I believe I would be doing both myself and you a disservice if I only shared the highlights of my break – growth can be found in the positives, but the real nitty-gritty-internal growth is usually hidden and deeply tangled up in the negatives.
This break was hard – after almost 4 months away from home I went home for 2.5 weeks. I went from living in my own apartment, doing my own thing, coming and going when and how I wanted too, not having to check in with anyone, etc to living in my parents house, eating out of their kitchen, driving their car, and basically consuming their space. It’s a difficult adjustment for any family to make, but given the history of circumstances, this adjustment felt particularly uncomfortable and weird.
There were multiple breakdowns while I was home. I went home with the mindset that I would barrel into this small space and force it to widen for me (speaking figuratively here). I knew that coming home would be difficult, but I figured that I was just strong enough to deal with it.
Plot twist: the space didn’t grow to accommodate me and the personal growth I had achieved while away at school. But the good news is that, although I didn’t feel strong while living in the moment, I was strong enough to handle it because I’m currently sitting in my sweet little apartment in Ann Arbor which is known as home to me.
Family members disappoint us. Sometimes we will disappoint ourselves. I was reminded that, although I made strides while living on my own at school, the environment I am in is an important asset in my emotional and mental well being. I was thrust back into an environment that is tense, anxiety ridden, and I was not-so-gently reminded of the pain I used to feel in that space.
“I hate you.” “You’re stupid” “You’re selfish.” “You only have an eating disorder for attention.” “Go kill yourself.” “worthless” “You’re friends are whacky and weird.” “Nannie said…” and the list could go on.
There comes a time in our lives where we have to examine what the line is between respecting those around us despite differences of morals, lives, and goals, and when we step in and stand up for our own self respect. I found that, while away at school, I formed and grew in my level of self-respect and then almost as soon as I got home, it was challenged, torn down, and diminished. Of course, I am partially to blame for that because I have, over the years, allowed others to control and have so much power of me and my emotions, behaviors, etc.
Ahhh…what would life be if we weren’t all constantly a work in progress?!
Anyways – on to the fun, amazing, things!
A couple days after I arrived home we decorated our family Christmas tree! Rachi and I also did some baking!
I got to see lots of my beautiful friends and catch up with people whom I hadn’t seen in awhile!
My God-given sister and I had a lot of hanging out time and also did some artwork! I’m so thankful for her grounding presence, her capability to be silly and WHACKY with me 😉 and her willingness to always listen and encourage and love me! Thank God for sisters, am I right?!
I played at the daily bread on Christmas Eve as well as at a nursing home with my dad – these were 2 of my favorite activities I did during the break!
I also played at church on Christmas Eve and got to celebrate the birth of our Savior with my family!
I spent new years eve with 2 of my favorite people ever!
And I was reunited with my guitar – which I now have at school with me!
Over all, there were marvelous moments during my time back in VA. There were moments when I felt crushed…maybe even obliterated. There were hard moments and tears. There were happy, joyful, and memorable moments too. I realized over this break that, as human beings, we have the distinct capability to be both crushed and created.
It is in our moments of weakness that we find ourselves being crushed under the weight of the problems of this world. But if we look hard enough, past all the muck and grime that Satan is throwing in our faces, we will find that God is using those painful moments to help create us – to help us grow and learn and evolve.
There are a few things I know for sure. My best friend is my true sister. There are people in my life who love me, cherish me, and value me – and they are NOT the same people who I initially thought would love me, but they are just as remarkable and even better in many ways. Time helps to heal wounds, but it is not the end-all cure for everything – even after time, some things still hurt. I am growing and healing, but I am not healed or recovered – I still have progress to make.
And most importantly: I don’t know where I’m going, but I know where I’ve been and I know whose arms I’m resting in. My God is a remarkable, never failing, always loving God!
God bless! xoxo
Oh, and P.S…..