Beauty Keeps Coming

I do not like staring at a screen right before bed, but I’m afraid if I don’t say this now, I won’t ever say it at all.

There is something about hearing or seeing or feeling something that is true. There is something to be said for those little reminders – those nudges from God that suggest that beauty keeps coming, that futures are worth fighting for, and that we were made to dream.

I have been called dramatic, however, I prefer to refer to myself as emotionally-wired. Regardless of what you’ll name it, it exists. It exists within me all these feelings which range from numbing out so I don’t have to feel anything at all, to feeling everything in the world all at once – talk about feeling too much. It seems as though that is my everyday life, and it can get exhausting.

Even feeling the good stuff wears you out.

Let me tell you, I was tired when I walked into Hill Auditorium on the University of Michigan campus this evening – but I was EXHAUSTED when I left.

The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra (link here: ) performed with violinist Pinchas Zukerman at the helm conducting…and as if his conducting wasn’t magnificent enough, he then performed Beethoven’s Violin Concerto with them WHILE still conducting. Some people…I tell ya what…

God whispers to us in the quiet moments, but in the event that we aren’t perceptive enough to hear Him, He will yell at us and knock us off our feet when we least expect it. Like tonight, for example. I have never in my life heard such a beautiful sound as when that orchestra began to play. It was heart wrenching, sweet, deep, moving, and so many other words – but the English language is not fully capable of depicting it’s beauty.

I was literally sitting in my seat with tears rolling down my face. To make matters worse (better?) they performed one of my all-time favorite pieces and a very well known work Enigma Variations by Elgar. This piece is significant to me because I first performed it during one of the summers that I spent at Boston University’s Tanglewood Institute of Music in Lenox, MA. The summers I spent at that music festival were formative years and are quite possibly the very reason I am pursuing music today. Anyways, during that summer conductor David Hoose, from Boston University, conducted the Elgar. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the piece, Elgar named each of the movements after someone in his life (one is even said to be named after his dog), but we have no way of knowing who exactly he intentioned them to be for, because he simply titled them using initials of people’s names. So, Mr. Hoose had us go through each movement and decide who in our own lives it stood for and to think about that person, our relationship with that person, etc while rehearsing it. It was a really difficult assignment.

Honestly, it pained me to sit there and listen to it performed so wonderfully knowing in my heart that some of the people I had assigned to specific movements for specific reasons would no longer carry that same assignment if I went back and performed the piece again today. My life has changed and altered in so many ways.

And for the sake of this year’s word: transparency, I will share with you that this next stretch of 4 weeks is very difficult for me. It’s difficult because this is the time of year in 2014 that I was admitted to treatment – this is the time when I decided to get my life back, but simultaneously lost so much. Also, we’re nearing my birthday – my 22nd birthday – which serves as a reminder to me that, while yes – I am very much alive and thankful to be alive – I am so far behind where I thought I would be at this point, in such a different place, having taken SUCH a different path.

All of this is running through my mind while Elgar is dancing in the background and that’s when I hear it – words kept pressing themselves into my mind and when I tried to argue with them, they just persisted: “Sarah Catherine, you are meant to be here. Finally, something in your life is right. Something is just as it should be. You are supposed to be here because there are great plans for your life. You are not who you used to be. This is healthy. This is right. Take a deep breath, and let the rest go.”

And I kid you not, that was God. This was the hearing, the seeing, AND the feeling. This was that reminder that beauty keeps coming, futures are worth fighting for, and we are made to dream.

“Be loved. Be known. Love people and know people. Be so brave as to raise a hand for help when you need it. Make friends and make sure they know they matter. Be loyal to them and fight for them. Remind them what’s true and invite them to do the same when you forget. If you do some losing or you walk with someone in their defeat, live with dignity and grace. It is a middle finger to the darkness.”
~Jamie Tworkowski



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