Hey, Satan. I See You.

“Somehow we need to separate the eating disorder voice and thoughts out from your own voice and thoughts.”

Oh, they are so very separate. Often times people who struggle with an eating disorder claim that they can’t decipher the truth between what voice they hear in their heads is theirs and what voice is feeding them lies, commonly referred to as the voice of the ED (eating disorder). I used to have that very struggle.

Key phrase: Used to.
That’s past tense.
Past tense as in, I now know what voice belongs to whom.

That in NO way means that my struggle is in the past tense, though. It honestly irks me a bit when people refer to that negative whisper, the voice that’s screaming lies—pelting my mind and heart with bullets ceaselessly, as “the eating disorder voice”. It’s not the eating disorder voice. At least, it’s not for me. That voice, my friends, is the voice of Satan. And that other voice? The voice that’s SUPPOSED to be “my own voice” – well that voice most certainly isn’t mine.

The voice that is “mine” SHOULD be the voice of God. You see, the battle isn’t in my mind – it isn’t the disordered part of my brain verses “the real me”. The battle is over my LIFE. This is life or death. It doesn’t matter what my weight is, it doesn’t matter what eating disorder behaviors I do or don’t engage in, it doesn’t matter if I self harm, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because the point is that, regardless of the nature of my struggle, there will always be a struggle of some kind or another because there is a war going on – a war for our very existence. Sure, it matters if I’m healthy. But it doesn’t matter simple because “eating disorders kill” or because I “don’t want to be another statistic”. No, it matters because I am a warrior for Christ – I’m in this battle to come out victorious in His name.

We’re ALL fighting this battle – it just presents itself differently. The question isn’t “Will I listen to the eating disorder and throw away my life? Or will I choose to recover and get better?” The REAL question is, “Will I let Satan win and steal my life from God? Or, will I choose to walk the path of righteousness – the path specifically designed for me, the one that ONLY I can walk and will I make the decision to be a vessel of love and light for God to the entire world around me?”

Because when you phrase the question like that – there is no way you can make the wrong choice.

When the voices are minimized to merely being “in your head” it just makes you feel crazy. When it’s written off as a “disorder” it suddenly feels chronic and hopeless. When it’s generalized and turned into statistics, recovery feels overwhelming and out of reach. But when you make it personal – when it’s not about voices or who you choose to “listen to” in the moment – when you step back to view the big picture, this is LIFE or DEATH that we’re talking about. And not just life here on earth – this is ETERNAL life.

And when you realize what it is that you’re TRULY up against, it makes the enormity of the battle all the more real. Satan is the devil and he will go to any lengths to win over your life. It’s so important to cling to the One who can make all things new, the One who’s mercies are new every morning, the One who created the heavens and the earth, hung the stars in the sky, and knows the number of hairs on our heads.

That’s why I’m choosing to say, “Hey, Satan. I see you and I’m choosing to turn my back and walk away.”

Check out 2 of my most recent favorites:

“The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become – because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be. . .It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.”
― C.S. Lewis

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What happens now
When all I’ve made is torn down
What happens next
When all of You, is all that’s left

This is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking

The longer and the tighter that we hold
Only makes it harder to let go
But love will not stay locked inside
A steeple or a tower high
Only when we’re broken, are we whole.

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