I want to be at peace with not knowing. I want to accept that some questions won’t have answers. I want to learn to accept that trust is alright – trusting others, trusting myself, and most importantly, trusting God.
I’ve been trying to work through my past while obsessively planning my future, all of which makes living in the present exceedingly difficult. I’m trying to wade through the muck and the sinking sand of the life that I used to own, the lies, the hurt, the turmoil that used to be “just the way it is” while trying to plan and formulate the life that I want to live. This leaves me exhausted, worn down, and not able to be present in the now.
I found myself whispering old thinking patterns yesterday – fully admitting that there are people in my life who truly believe that their own lives would be better if I were dead. I used to believe them – I used to agree with them. Although, I no longer believe that their lives would be better off if I weren’t here, I do still believe that THEY believe their lives would be better off without me, and that, in and of itself is an extremely difficult thing to sit with and comprehend. I know that people say that it’s impossible to be liked by everyone in your life – but to have people who think they’d be better off if you were actually DEAD? Now, that’s heavy.
But it is what it is and those people aren’t capable of changing. It doesn’t make it any less painful and it doesn’t make it okay. But I’m learning to deal with it and handle it in ways that aren’t self destructive. It’s hard and working through things like this is a full time 24/7 job.
Then there’s the future. I have a rough outline of what I would love to do with my life – somehow combine missions work, music performance, writing, and traveling…and at this point, I have literally NO idea what that could or will end up looking like. I’ve been more consumed with the closer future – particularly this summer. As a musician, it’s vital to continue studying, learning, and growing during the summer months and, that being said, I spent the past few months applying to various summer music festivals around the country. No answers. It’s been 2 months since I completed my first application and the whole thing is a game of “hurry up and wait”. And there’s so much to consider – location, length, faculty, and dun dun dun…the biggest gremlin of them all – money. Some of these programs reach over $8,000.00 in price. Yikes. With my parents paying out of state tuition – a bill like that is not something that is feasible.
And so we’ve practically come full circle. Here we are, back at the starting point of it all – TRUST. I want to share a brief summary of a devotional I came across yesterday. This is a snippet from Sarah Young’s “Jesus Calling”:
“Hold My hand in trusting dependence. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy – that is how is should be. Secret things belong to the Lord and future things are secret things. Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. Trust Me to open up the way before you as you go.”
It is so very difficult to trust that the staircase of life is leading somewhere magnificent when we are only capable of seeing the first step before us. All we can do is cling tight to the banister and slowly make our way upward – step by single step, day by single day. That is what I’m trying to do. I know that I don’t climb those steps alone. God is walking next to me, holding me up when I stumble and gently nudging me forward when I feel to weak to make the climb. I am never climbing alone, although if I’m being honest, there are some days where it feels that way.
I realize that the only way to be freed from my past is to slowly work my way through it. I want to be at a point in life where my past doesn’t pop up unexpectedly and come crashing down on me – but rather, when it pops up I can wave hello and then swiftly turn and walk away. I’m better than I was and I know that I will be better than I am now. But knowing that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the “now”, and to enjoy it, I need to release the future to God, trusting that He knows what He’s doing and it will all work out perfectly, in my favor, and in His timing. I need to focus on healing from the past and enjoying and thriving in the present!
I would challenge you, as the year trudges ahead, the snow is melting, and the flowers begin to poke their heads out of the ground – to let go of the consuming fear of the future, let go of the need to always KNOW and to always have the answers. Trust that God will provide for you as He sees fit – and always remember, that He knows best! God can see the entire staircase whereas we can only see the first few steps!
Onwards and upwards my friends 🙂
“We fight FROM victory, not for victory.” – Max Lucado
“Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own troubles.”