My Wandering Heart

 I am tired. Some days I find myself on the verge of tears…whether it be from my own work load or simply that my heart is heavy for the lives of the young girls around me. I am learning so, so much though. And it is so much more than just musical ideas and concepts – I am growing as a musician, but my heart is growing also. God is using this experience to break me in places where I didn’t know I needed breaking and to heal me in places and ways I never thought possible.

At the end of the long days, when I crash into bed – my hear spinning wildly with tomorrow’s to-do list, I am reminded what a blessing it is to be alive, to be thinking, to be breathing, to have a heart that continues beating. I am reminded that I am not a mistake, I am a God-created person with a purpose and passions which will help me see that purpose through.

And so, it occurred to me recently: Maybe this journey isn’t really about becoming anything – maybe it’s actually about unbecoming everything that’s preventing us from being who we truly are. Maybe the whole concept of “recovery” doesn’t have to be about getting back to the old way things were before, but more about exploration and forging a new and better path in a different direction. Maybe it’s really true that we can’t be healed by the same things (and people) that broke us in the first place.

I am outrageously blessed to be where I am right now. God has surrounded me with the exact people with whom I need to be surrounded by – both in great, amazing ways, and in very difficult ways. The other counselor who lives in the dorm with me is a woman with whom I can sit down and have deep, meaningful, impactful discussions about pretty much anything under the sun – but most importantly, she is someone who isn’t afraid to say, “I’m going to be praying for you.” or to ask, “How can I be praying for you?” and then to see that through. She sees things in me that I am incapable of seeing for myself – just last night we were talking and she told me how she sees me as being a great “people person” and having great ways of interacting with, guiding, and supporting our girls…all that after 2 days where I simply have wanted to scream and pull all my hair out (the little situations and frustrations were just really getting to me and my patience was just about fried to a crisp). It’s amazing to me how God gave me the opportunity to be at Meadowmount again – three years after being here before and experiencing complete destruction of my body and mind – I am here and healthy and relatively happy. God gave me this opportunity, but he knew I couldn’t get through this summer without some help and support and someone who will be sure to remind me of His love and His presence in my life through little actions of love and kindness – so, he placed this woman in my life who he’s gifted with everything I am lacking (which is a LOT haha) and together we make a great team…we are able to support each other as well as the 12 young ladies who are in our care.

Just this morning, after discussing one of our (genius, if I may say so myself) ideas I exclaimed to her, “We make a great team!” and she responded with, “With the help of our boss!” and gestured upward. Yes. We make a great team with the help of God who is directing both of our footsteps and helping us to learn from and through each other and this experience. It’s nice to not be doing this alone.

After living with these young souls for over 4 weeks I feel as though I am finally starting to get inside their minds, just ever so slightly. They are all so different and so complex and each and every one has lessons to teach me and is a blessing in ways I never could have seen coming. I have LOVED sitting down with them and talking one on one or in a small group and getting to know them more – getting to hear them talk about their home life, their families, their passions, and their fears. I am growing patience through all the days where I feel short on patience and I am growing more compassionate with everyday that I find myself feeling as though I’ve run out of love.

And it is through these experiences (there are FAR too many to recount all of them here) that I have come to the conclusion that I have no desire to go back to the way things were before. I have no desire to set goals of “getting back to” x, y, or z. Rather, I want to allow myself to become more and more undone – I want to allow myself to unravel so much so that I can be rewound around a different core. I want to be fully submerged in the life that God has planned for me, and I am of full belief that that life can not be found by looking backwards.

I want to pursue new relationships and drop the toxic ones of the past. I want to continue pushing forward through the muck and the mire of this life and search more whole heartedly for what it means to truly be MYSELF. I know the future is worth the fight and I want to use my life to love. I want to allow the fire within me to be a flame that directs my paths not one that leaves me stained with scars.

I don’t want a single opportunity to share love to pass me by. I want to live intentionally in the light of eternity. I want to love like HE loves.

I am tired. I am sometimes weary. But I am living. I am loving. And that, to me, is the greatest miracle of them all.


“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”

-Cynthia Occelli


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