The tears ran faster than an Olympic athlete – not because I was surprised, given my audition, but because I had been hopeful…hopeful that despite a few wrong notes, fate would be on my side. But despite my hopes and all my efforts in preparation, the results didn’t play out in my favor. Fate was not on my side this time.
And that’s when I have to stop and gently remind myself that I do NOT believe in fate, I believe in GOD. He is ALWAYS on my side. I am fine. I am okay. There will still be learning, growth, and healing that takes place. I don’t need to feel shame or embarrassment because God is using this in ways that I can not possibly see right now. I know it sounds silly because it’s “just” an audition, it’s “just” an orchestra placement for a few months – but there is no place to small for God to fit into in our lives and this place is no exception.
After a long chat with a trusted individual who reassured me that “those auditions are complete bull shit” and that I am fine, worthy of respect, and that I am capable…I can sense my excitement growing. What will God use this opportunity for? How will I be changed and how will I be used to change others through this experience?
I will NOT give Satan the opportunity to steal my JOY. I can find PEACE in knowing that this audition is not the “end all be all’ of my existence and I can find HOPE in knowing that I will ultimately benefit from this, even if I can’t see it right now. That’s one of my favorite things about God – He can see the entire picture where I can just catch glimpses of it and there is no page of the story that He’ll leave unedited…He is there, every moment of every day and yet He can still see where I will be 10 years from now – He not only edits my story, He composes it Himself and there is no greater gift to me than that. I think it’s alright to feel bummed and even to wish things had turned out differently, but I’m going to try not to dwell on that because I know that, even if it doesn’t feel great now, this is what’s best for me in the long run. God can see the entire interstate, whereas I can only see the traffic that travels in my direction. God’s got great, unimaginable plans, and who am I to question Him?!
“The most powerful life is the life that knows where it’s going, that knows where the source of strength is, and the life that stays free of clutter and happenstance and hurriedness.”
“He makes everything work out according to His plan.”
“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”
― Joel Osteen
“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.”
― Paulo Coelho