Life Update

I’ve been quiet in this little corner of the internet because so much of life has just been swirling around me and things have been changing so fast and in ways I’ve never experienced before.

                I am proud to finally share with my internet tribe that my husband and I are now 20 weeks pregnant with a little baby BOY!  This information probably shocks you almost as much as it shocked us when we discovered it around 5 weeks pregnant.  We had stopped all fertility treatments and all hormone treatments, and we had put that on the back burner for the time being so Jake could focus on getting his masters degree and together we could focus on the final steps of getting licensed for foster care.  We found out we were pregnant and then 7-10 days later we were officially licensed for foster care.

                Our minds are still blown by this current reality.  Sometimes it still doesn’t feel real – although the puking throughout the first trimester and the fatigue and now the sweet soft baby kicks make it all feel a lot more real-life.  To say that we are humbled by God’s goodness and this gift to us, doesn’t do the feelings justice. 

                Part of the reason I’ve been so quiet about it is that I feel the need to be really careful – I know what it feels like to be on the other side of the blessings…waiting, hoping, praying, but not knowing the outcome.  I hesitate to pair this news with the proclamation, “God is good!” because…even before the blessing, God was good.  God is always good, regardless of His answers to our prayers.  I don’t know why He answered ours and why there are others out there who don’t get the answer they are so longing for deep down in their souls.  But I am grateful. I can’t explain it – there aren’t words that can make it make sense, especially if you are in your waiting season.  I’m not going to try to spiritualize the trial or even to encourage you by saying, “It will happen for you!”  “Just wait – God will bless you!”  because I don’t know that those things are true and I DO know how exceedingly painful it was to hear those phrases when I was in the midst of the battle.

                I want to celebrate this little life God has blessed us with, but I also don’t want to forget the overwhelming pain of infertility.  God had us in that season for a reason and I don’t ever want to forget the immense pain and deep longings I felt in that waiting – every day felt like 100 years and the tears I cried outnumbered any other time period in my life.  The toll on my relationships and the financial burden, the fear, the longing – there aren’t enough words in the English language to adequately describe that pain to someone who hasn’t experienced it themselves.  Trust me, I’ve tried – I can’t find them no matter where I look.  I will share with you a statistic I read while in the midst of the battle:  “Struggling with infertility is emotionally crippling. It’s comparable to being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.” I don’t know how they measured that or came to that conclusion, but having lived it – I can say that it seems likely to be true. That being said, I want to remain open to God using that season of our lives to help others around us.  So, I am committed to remembering the season prior to the blessing.

                AND I want to encourage you – if you are in ANY season of waiting (for a child, for a spouse, for the dream job, for financial stability, etc) by reminding you that the pain of our immediate circumstances can make it hard to remember what He has done in our lives and it can also make it nearly impossible to cling to the promises of what He can and WILL do in our lives moving forward.

                My best advice for someone struggling through any waiting season is this – keep living forward. Keep making plans. Keep putting your best foot forward and don’t allow the relationships around you to crumble.  One of the toughest things I did during our season of infertility was forcing myself to keep showing up at friends’ baby showers, their kid’s birthdays, at small group when Jake and I were the only couple NOT pregnant/with a child (and we didn’t know if we would EVER have that experience).  Remian open to what the Lord is doing in your life and how He can use this pain. And the hardest thing – trust and cling to the FACT that He can, and He WILL use this.  That doesn’t mean we have to like going through the season of trial – we can scream, cry, and be angry at God for whatever the never-ending season we feel stuck in may be, but we can also trust and live forward knowing that He sees more than we ever could.

                     For now, we plan to keep our foster are license open – although we won’t take a placement until at least a few months after baby boy is born.  We want to be available for whatever and however God may use us moving forward and remaining open handed is the best way we can do that.  We don’t know what the future holds. We are praying immense blessings over this little baby boy growing in my belly and we are praying for whatever future children may enter our household and our lives – in whatever way the Lord sees fit.  We are trusting that He is doing miraculous things in our lives and in the life of our family for generations to come. We are excited to see how He will move as we remain dedicated to living forward and following Him, regardless of our current circumstances and whatever trials we may face down the road.

                  Today, no matter how painful, is not an indicator of the rest of your life.  There is always more in store for us than we could ever imagine – sometimes it just doesn’t look how we envisioned it in our own minds.  Remain faithful to the Lord. Keep living forward. Trust in His Almighty goodness. The blessing is coming, my friends. It just may look more perfect than we could have ever imagined for ourselves.

Blessings,

Sarah Catherine 😊

The Story I’ll Tell…maybe.

I so badly want this to be a story I get to tell…a story that highlights Gods redemption, His overwhelming grace, His miracle working power. I truly believe those things exist.

I want to write a story about how we struggled, fought, battled, spent years in the desert…and then…God blessed us with a family. Then I want to follow it up with all the things I learned in the desert season of waiting and longing.

The truth is, I’ve written a pregnancy announcement ten times over. But I’ve never been able share it because I’ve never seen two lines on that pregnancy test I’ve taken over and over and over again. I’ve planned, in my head, how we would tell my parents…how we would share with our friends and families.

I want to tell that story. I so, so badly want to tell that story to the world. And I keep hoping and praying that I’ll get to do that. Lord, use me. Use this as a ministry to others. I want this to be a story of His magnificent redemption. But the reality is that I don’t know if it ever will be.

People have told me, “You could write a book or start a ministry of some sort etc etc.” The truth is that, while I’m here in the trenches, I can barely take my next breath. There is no extra bandwidth for creativity, for presence, for anything aside from holding back tears, hoping no one noticed my breath catch as yet another couple announces a pregnancy.

One thing I’m discovering…in this particular season, church is actually one of the most painful places to be. I dread it. Every single week. I keep showing up because I don’t want Satan to isolate me – I desperately don’t want to give him ANY footing or any opportunity for entrance into my life. I know he is sneaky.

But church shouldn’t be the most painful place.

I don’t know how to remedy that. I don’t know what the answer is. Our church is our social circle, our community, our people that we love dearly…and it is the hardest couple hours of my entire week.  It shouldn’t be that way – EVER. But right now, it is.

I’m hoping for that amazing redemption story. I’m praying and pleading every moment of every day that I get the privilege of writing that story for the world to read (authored by God alone!). God never fails – I know and believe this to be true, I’ve seen it time and time again when I look back at the course of my life.

But right now, I don’t know what He is up to. I don’t know what his plan is.

I don’t know what the future holds or if I’ll ever get to write that story.

We are Fostering!

I truly believe that most of us are blessed with the privilege of being able to walk through our day to day lives without ever bumping up against the broken – without ever being forced into building a relationship with the needy. We curate lives of comfort and prioritize our own pleasure above all else. We live a safe and sheltered life tucked into the lie that our happiness is the ultimate goal. We insulate and isolate ourselves to protect from any pain. In the process of doing all of this, we miss out on the greatest gift – giving ourselves up to the good of others around us. We pass up the purpose of pursuing what He (the Lord) prioritizes. We give up the great call – the call to die to self and relentlessly pursue others. We miss out on the pure joy of receiving the opportunity to share His love with others, and, in doing so, glorify Him!

We are entering into foster care with open arms knowing that any child that comes into our care was created by God and entrusted to us by God. They are safest in His hands above all else, and we will surrender their little hearts, impressionable minds, and curious souls to Him moment by moment.

It’s about loving others like Christ loves us. It’s about recognizing our own need and allowing God to bring us to the end of ourselves – in that, we can be primed for His miraculous grace. It is only in being primed for His grace that we can keep putting one foot in front of the next and wander through this season with confidence – fumbling our way through the wilderness and unknowns.  We may not know exactly where we’re headed, but we can trust the One who created the map and we can rest fully in knowing that the route is unlike any we could ever have imagined for ourselves.  The trials will be great, but in Christ – the JOY is always greater!

We are currently in the process of getting licensed to have 1-2 children placed in our home, ages 0-3 years. The aim of foster care is ultimately reunification with the child’s biological family, however, if these children are put up for adoption while in our care, we fully intend to adopt them!

We are doing our best to live open handed and surrendered to the Lord! If you feel led, we have a registry on Amazon (linked below). What we need the most though, are your prayers, as we embark on this new adventure and discover all that God has in store for our family in the coming months! We know foster care can be filled with heartache and pain – we are prepared to endure that for the glory of the Lord and for the sake of these hurting children!

Our biggest prayer in this season is that we would be able to prepare well, pass all licensing exams and home studies (quickly), and that we can show whatever child comes into our home the love of Jesus Christ. We hope and pray this ends in permanency and the growth of our family, but ultimately, we ask that the Lords will be done in these children’s lives and in ours!

Thank you for coming alongside us, supporting us, and covering us in prayer throughout this season!

Foster Care – Amazon Custom Gift List – https://www.amazon.com/…/custom/33I6SOWO5F3IE/guest-view

“What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.”
― Augustine of Hippo

“Defend the weak and the fatherless: uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy;deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”

Psalm 82:3-4

Rivers in the Desert

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19

We are in the desert right now. The earth is hard and rocky and painful to walk on – it is scorching hot, and every breath seems to remind us of what we are lacking.  We are in the trenches, seeking shade and respite where it seems there is none to be found.  Our skin is burning, our muscles are sore and aching, our hearts are feeling weak and weary.

But there are rivers of water here too.  Fresh, good, life-giving water is available to us if we can manage to pause and look around for a few minutes. 

My violin studio is bursting at its seams!  I am teaching regular group classes and playing with three different orchestras.  Not only that – but I have big dreams and career goals on my heart that only God could have placed there.  Jake recently got a (long overdue and much deserved) raise at work so that has been helpful as well!

Despite our desert surroundings we are planning trips and things to keep us looking forward. God has also blessed us with some pretty amazing friends and family along the journey. 

It is dry here. We are constantly thirsty.  The desert is a very difficult place to be – especially when there is no greenery or lush forests anywhere in sight. This isn’t new terrain for us…but that doesn’t make the trek any easier.  Yet, despite the drought and the pain and the struggle – there is still healing water flowing around all around us.

 God always makes a way when there seems to be no way – He is the water source that we all so desperately need.  And He is here – in this desert place.

“To love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms…
and you say, yes, I will take you
and I will love you, again.”
― Ellen Bass

Roots Among the Rocks

I was reading Matthew this morning. I’ve read all of Matthew before – many times, but I was really struck when reading the parable of the sower explained in Matthew 13.  It just hit different this time around –

What was sown on rocky ground is received with joy but when trials or tribulations come it falls away.

What was sown among thorns is choked by the cares of and the destruction of the world around it.

What was sown on good soil is everlasting and bears much fruit.

This gives me hope.  As much as I feel like my faith is on rocky ground right now, I can look back and say that – despite all the questions and even the occasional doubts – I’ve always believed and known that God is good. I haven’t always FELT it and I definitely haven’t always lived like I believe it – but I’ve never waivered in believing that He is good, and He is the Savior of the world.

Often times, I find myself asking, “Why? Why am I facing all this pain and heartache…haven’t I been through enough already?”  I thought if I could survive the eating disorder, the depression, the chronic headaches, and the huge losses I’ve walked through – I thought if I could make it through that stuff then I could make it through ANYTHING.  I thought that the hardest days of my life were likely behind me.  But then infertility came crashing onto the scene and there aren’t words to accurately describe that devastation and pain.

But I know this: My faith is what it is today because of all the trials and difficulties I’ve faced over the years.  All that I’ve been through has prepared me for what we are walking through now – not emotionally, mentally, or physically. But it has prepared me spiritually.  If I hadn’t had to walk through those earlier trials, then this current season would have shattered my faith. I might have thrown my hands up in the air and just walked away from the Lord completely.  Those past struggles have shown me that I can survive and endure, and that God is always near (even when it doesn’t feel like it).  They were building a resilience in me that I had no idea I would need in future years.  None of this has been by my grit and strength alone – it’s all because of the Holy Spirit working within me. These former trials also showed me that – in hindsight – there are always blessings in seasons of drought.  I am clinging to that belief that maybe one day, I will look back on this period of our lives and be able to thank God for what He has been teaching me and how He has led me.

I can trust that my roots are safe and secure in good soil. I have seen time and time again that, although the storms of life may beat me down and I may wither in some seasons – the strength of the holy spirit always refreshes me from the roots up and I continue to keep on growing. God’s not finished with me yet.

 “For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

Matthew 17:20

“Hear then the parable of the sower: When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is what was sown along the path.  As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away.  As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful.  As for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it. He indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.”

Matthew 13:18-23

This is War.

Satan knows that if I believe I’ve been abandoned by God – forgotten, set aside, overlooked – that I will be right where he wants me to be….weak and vulnerable.
If I shut out my friends (who all seem to be pregnant) and if I quit attending church because everywhere I look I see painful reminders of my own broken heart, then he has me isolated and primed for attack.
If I give in to old coping skills and surrender to depression then again – he has me in the position he wants me to be in.
I’m a threat to the devil and I know he wants to take me down.
He sees me working for the Lords Kingdom. He sees me persevering and He is launching attack after attack.
I’ve been through…a LOT. And nothing I’ve been through has been able to separate me from God. In fact, the hard things I’ve endured so far have led me to have the faith I have today.
Of course the devil wants me out of the battle…he knows he can’t win!
I’m weary.
I’m devastated.
My heart is broken.
Everything feels hard – even breathing.
It takes all my energy to just simply show up….to work, to social obligations, even going to church is hard these days.
But I’m determined to keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.
All I have to do is what God puts in front of me TODAY. In this allotment of time. Nothing else matters.
I’m definitely not thriving these days…. most times it feels like I’m just barely hanging on and surviving. This isn’t a suitable long-term way to live but all I need to survive is this 24 hours.

And I can do that, Lord willing!
Satan won’t win…. even when the battle leaves me battered and broken.

“Scared is what you’re feeling. Brave is what you’re doing.”
― Emma Donoghue

In The Meantime…

I have so many people in my corner. I have A. and her husband who said they would sit down and talk with me and Jake.  I have C. and his wife who volunteered the same thing.  There are so many people praying for us (and reminding us they are praying for us).  So…why do I feel so alone?! Why do I feel like I’m stranded on a desert island?

Maybe I feel alone because I don’t know how to walk through this season. I’ve never been here before – it’s uncharted territory. There isn’t a neat and tidy way to do it.  There isn’t a road map or a ‘how-to’ guide because it’s so different for everyone. I want to do it right. I want to do it gracefully.  But I’m stumbling and walking blindly into things – it feels like the world is toppling down around me and I’m constantly dodging large things or crouching in fetal position with my hands over my head just trying to survive the next blow.  How long can a person live in that state of mind? I don’t want to be in that place…I wish I could think it away or feel it away or just plain ignore it altogether.

It seems like nothing makes sense right now – and that is a struggle for someone (me) who needs to make sense of everything in order to feel some semblance of control.

The “no’s” from God feel like I have been handed a heavy stone or a poisonous snake. But I also know that Jesus shows us this:

God cannot give bad gifts.

I only see and receive in part, but He sees and gives in full. A “no” on earth is a “yes” somewhere in God’s book because He is leading me on a better path—one that is for my best good and for His ultimate glory.

As much as I hate what the possible outcomes of this infertility journey could be (and right now, I kind of hate and resent anything that doesn’t end with a positive pregnancy test and a healthy baby 9 months later), I am trying to remind myself that what might appear to be a stone at one point will soon be revealed to be God’s saving grace at another point (or maybe not, it doesn’t ever have to make sense earthside, but – based on history – likely I will be able to reflect years down the road and see some good somewhere along the way).

And yet…there is still somehow immense pain, grief, loss, and confusion.  I don’t know how to grapple with that in a way that is both healthy and yet still results in no concrete answers.  Because I have no answers. And for the past 1.5 years and for the foreseeable future, I am being given no answers.  I know I need to just accept this and sit in the uncertainty.  But it hurts (understatement of the century) and I don’t like to feel pain so, to voluntarily sit down in the muck and mud of intense and deep grief seems a lot like giving up and giving in. 

Life goes on all around me.  I don’t want this to derail my career, my friendships, my marriage, etc so, I feel like I have to keep on keeping on and compartmentalize the pain so it doesn’t overtake everything in my life.  It’s still there though…at the end of every day. I am utterly exhausted, but I am clinging to Jesus as best as I possibly can.

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”
― Laura Bush

9.13.22

Excruciating pain and irrepressible hope can coexist. 

It’s feeling so remarkably NOT okay but choosing to keep on living anyways. 

It’s a constant battle between hurt and hope – knowing that at the end of the day, they will both still be there battling for the center stage in your brain.

The hurt might bring you crashing down, but then Hope rushes in and refuses to leave you there.

It’s different than ‘fake it till ya make it’…it’s the messy human work of grief while also choosing moment by moment to surrender to God knowing that He can (and WILL) bring complete healing…even if it doesn’t look like what we thought it would, even if we have to wait until eternity to experience it in its fullness.

Hope bears the reminder that this world is just a blink of an eye compared to eternity in heaven. Hope reminds us that this current pain – whatever it may be and however looming and daunting it may seem – can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.

Excruciating pain and irrepressible hope do coexist.

They remind us that, even when we are hurting, we can still have hope in Christ. And that even while we are Hoping, it’s okay to experience hurt and grief.

Hurt doesn’t mean you aren’t hoping ‘correctly’ or ‘enough’ or in the right ways. It’s a constant tug and pull, give and take, a kneading of the soul that creates elasticity in our resilience and strengthens our testimony.  When we allow both the hurting and the hope to coexist Christ is glorified.

Psalm 56:8

“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?

Psalm 34:18.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Playing Small

I know that God didn’t bring me into this world to be small. He doesn’t call anyone to a small life. He isn’t in the business of creating small or insignificant things. He calls the unqualified. He calls the underdog. He uses the one who is surrendered – not the most ‘put together’ or ‘best’ or ‘most competent’. He doesn’t ask us for perfection because He knows that’s asking the impossible. He simply asks us to be. Be open to His promptings. Be willing. Be surrendered. And as best as we can, be His reflection to the world around us. But is there any way that God’s reflection could ever be small?! No way. That’s not the calling. And at the end of the day, I don’t want to miss the calling…even when every fiber of my body wants to disappear and be small, contained, neat and tidy, and perfect. I don’t want to avoid the mess and end up missing the miracle. I am trying as hard as I can to dismantle these annoying, persistent thoughts. I’m trying my best to just be. Be here, now. Be present. Be His light and reflection. Be His love. Be a disciple. Be something different and unique in a world that often seems like it’s burning down day by day, moment by moment. I am trying to be in His presence, in His creation, in His Word as much as I possibly can be. I’m trying to be who He created me to be – but man, oh man…the devil is crafty and it seems like we must always be on guard against his schemes!

“Satan had made it his aim to distract you from who you really are and what the purpose of your life really is. It is his focused objective to lure you out of the path of strength, life, and authority and into a course of intentional destruction.”
― Lisa Bevere

In the meantime…

Today, I wrote in my prayer journal and told God I was disappointed but that I trust Him.

Because what the past 16 months of infertility have taught me is this:

All I need is Jesus.

I’m not going to over spiritualize this journey or tell you that I’m grateful for it…because I’m not.  It’s still a struggle with no end in sight. It still hurts to see friends baby announcements and hear about how easily they got pregnant. It still hurts every time I’m invited to a baby shower.  It hurts every month that we come up short…still no positive.

But here’s what I do know: God wants me to desire Him and want Him more than anything else that exists on this planet.  And, if I’m being honest – there was a time in the not so distant past when I thought I couldn’t survive without a child. I thought I would for sure drop dead if I didn’t become pregnant NOW. You could have caught me saying things like, “My life has no meaning or purpose if I’m not a mother.” “What kind of woman am I if I can’t have a child of my own?!” “There’s no amount of money I wouldn’t spend in order to become pregnant.” Or “There’s literally nothing I won’t do in order to have a child.”

But the thing is…there are limits. 

There are limits to our finances. There are limits to our capabilities – financial, emotional, physical, etc.

But our God is limitless. AND not only that, but God is the one who defines our purpose – He is our identity.  We are His children. That’s all – nothing more and definitely nothing less, should define who we are.

God is the only one who can give life (and who can take it away).

I must desire Him and seek Him and love Him more than anything else. Otherwise, whatever that other thing is – it’s an idol. Pregnancy had somehow slipped its way from a desire and something I wanted into something I now needed to survive.  It became my whole reason to exist. I was purposeless and worthless without it.  Which felt helpless and hopeless…because what if it never happens for us?!

Science is really cool because it has given us a lot of information – but science can’t tell us if we will eventually get pregnant. Sure, there are statistics and all that. But only God can give the gift of life.  And I’m learning that God works on His own time and in His own ways.

So, in the meantime?

In the meantime, I pour into my husband, I pour into my students, I spoil my dogs rotten, and I am intentional with relationships.  I work on myself, because let’s be real – we all need healing in some way or another…and I need quite a bit of it. I follow science and I attend doctors’ appointments and we try lots of different things. But what I don’t want to do is miss out on life because I’m so busy mourning what I don’t have and worrying about whether I’ll ever have it or not.  It’s difficult to find the balance between pursuing answers and living life with open hands.

We are in a posture of surrender because we have no other way of existing fully in Christ’s joy. And oh my friends, does He supply unending joy for us each and every day. Existing and experiencing that joy fully means letting go of the things we can’t control (which, for a control freak like me is a moment-by-moment process that needs lots of grace and lots of gentle reminders).

The most important lesson I’ve learned over the course of the past 16 months (and in particular, the past 6 or so) is that I don’t have to assume that God is “teaching me a lesson” and that once I “figure it out” I’ll suddenly get pregnant and get the things I’ve been begging Him for.  I’m not not pregnant because I’m too ignorant to figure out whatever it is He is teaching me. I’m not pregnant because we live in an imperfect, sin-filled, fallen world (and Satan will use any and every opportunity that He can to put distance between us and our Savior).  God isn’t looking down on me and leading me on a trail of “hot or cold” to find the magical end piece of the puzzle that will be THE answer necessary to allow me to move to the “next level” or next stage in my life.  It’s not a video game where you get certain perks once you achieve a certain amount of points or reach a specific level.

I don’t have to stress over figuring out what it is that I’m “supposed” to be learning during this trial. I can just trust that God is working behind the scenes. I can strive to live open handedly and to trust that He can still use me during this season while I’m not yet a mother and that, if He chooses to give life to us – be it biologically or through some other means, that He will use me in that season too.

Don’t get so caught up in what you think you’re supposed to be doing or learning in order to get out of a season faster.  Sit tight.  Trust that God is always working, even when you can’t see it or feel it. Because He is.  Ironically, as I type this, I am seeing how God has used this season so far to teach me these very things.

“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”
― Laura Bush